Soirée Spéciale Dédicaces

Once I had a love and it was a gas

Soon turned out to be a pain in the ass

Seemed like the real thing only to find

Mucho mistrust, love's gone behind

Let's have a mouthful of stars

What 2015 taught me.

1) No matter how hard you try, you cannot retain people in your life. There are some who choose to walk away(Kers, Daniel), some whom you need to walk away from for their own good (Kal) and others that sickness takes away from you (Momonne). True, it is heartbreak all the way but then, who would like a bland and dull life exempt of these emotions? I like to think that when your heart breaks, this means you have loved deeply and sincerely and it is a privilege to survive it. It opens up the way to other dimensions within yourself.

2) L'amour se conjugue à la première personne (dixit Kama)
Self-love is not for losers. It is for those who have gone around seeing and experiencing enough of the world to understand that loving oneself is the real deal.

3) One needs convictions and objectives to survive in this crazy world. Values and beliefs are sustainable qualities, the supporting ground from which the ascent begins but convictions and objectives are key words which give us a purpose in life, it adds up some texture and gives us something to reach out to.

4) I am a good person.

2015 belongs to 2015
2016? It will be up to me to choose which part of the cup I decide to look at.
Why cup when it can be a glass; a glass of champagne...bubbles, bubbles and bubbles all the way :)
Let's have a mouthful of stars!

Family bonding - Christmas under filaos trees

This year, we decided to spend xmas at the beach. We all met at Palmar, with the exception of my second sister who has decided to dissociate herself completely from our family. A few years ago she wrote a letter to my elder sister and myself telling us that she did not want to associate herself with a 'fun-loving' family, that she would not even 'comment' on my lifestyle and that she was too much of a good hindu brahmin girl to have anything to do with us. In her words, we are too modern, we have no understanding of what sacrifice means, let alone pain & trials and it is blasphemous that we are non-keepers of traditional values.

If you ask my opinion, well, I won't event comment. We have all given up arguing with a raving lunatic and honestly what can I say...when you've lost it, you've lost it.

Well, the fun-loving family spent an awesome time at the beach with my brother struggling for 30 minutes trying to teach us the rules of a card game where no one understood a damn thing, where I go caught red-handed cheating at domino, where Jay's kite got stuck on the filao tree, where Sid & Mayuri fraudulently went to swim in the hotel pool, where little Sujata took poses right before xmas gifts were exchanged and where a beautiful family picture captured the moment.

Sadness hits again

I visited Momonne yesterday. I came with her birthday gift and when I entered her room, she stared at me with an empty look instead of calling me by the nickname she had been using these past 32 years. In fact, she could hardly recognize me.

I was brought aside to be told me that Momonne had been diagnosed with hallucinations three weeks ago and that she now suffers mental illness. Dr. Lam says there is no hope for recovery and that she will be under medication for the rest of her days.

I went back in her room to hold her hand. She let go of it and that broke me.

Sous les étoiles

Une heure sur la plage hier soir à admirer les étoiles

All these second chances
Come knocking at an open door

                                         
                                           

The Princess singing my beautiful country in the 80s

I know a place

I know a place
It leads to nowhere
It's called my brain

My thoughts
My void
My deluded reality

I know a place
Beyond illusions
It's called my heart

I know a place
A dashboard of pain
It's called myself

Mon cadeau d'anniversaire

J'ai rendu une visite à chacha Kresh ce matin. Cela faisait un moment que je voulais le voir, lui parler, le toucher. Cet homme autrefois si jovial et vivant n'est plus que l'ombre de lui-même au crépuscule de sa vie. Depuis le décès de sa fille ainée l'année dernière, il parle à peine, si ce n'est avec un regard blafard et mélancolique qui semble dire: "Oh toi la vie, moi qui ai été si bon et vertueux, si droit et respectueux, pourquoi m'accables-tu de tant de chagrin?"

Il a souri pourtant aujourd'hui en me voyant, d'un sourire faible mais sincère et cela a été mon plus beau cadeau d'anniversaire. Quand j'avais dix ans,cet homme me faisait m'asseoir sur le canapé et me lisait le Reader's Digest en décortiquant chaque phrase, afin de m’aider à améliorer mon anglais. Il avait une grande estime pour mon père et  m'invitait souvent à sa table autour du repas familial. Je le voyais inculquer des valeurs profondes à son fils qui, enfant, était mon meilleur ami. 

Comme tout homme, il avait des défauts et en l'observant je finissais par comprendre quels seraient les choix à faire en grandissant, comment ne pas commettre ces mêmes "erreurs d'homme". Il a été une figure paternelle de par ses actions, bonnes et parfois moins bonnes, toujours humaines. On veut tous ressembler à son père et paradoxalement on veut tous s'éloigner le plus possible de l'image du père.

Il fallait que je lui rende visite et que je le serre dans mes bras histoire de lui faire sentir que j'avais appris de lui, que j'avais retenu ses leçons. Il fallait qu'il sache qu'il avait compté et qu’il m’a aidé à me construire en tant qu’homme.

Nothing like family/ The week-end which saw my revival

Mum gathered the family around a great dinner for my birthday tonight. It was absolutely lovely and I felt happy and truly blessed to have my loved ones around me. The conversation revolved around the day I was born, the cyclone, my dad being feverish that night and asking my sister who was ten to prepare dinner, then putting everyone in the car and braving the rain and the winds to bring my mum,who was having terrible contractions to the clinic. I was born sharp at midnight when the cyclone was at its peak and the roof of the clinic was being 'blown away'. I never get enough listening to this story over and over again :)

I am feeling better after talking to the family and asking for their support concerning the side business I want to launch. Whether it will succeed or not, I can only know after trying and the end of december will seal my fate. I need to do something concrete with my life, I just cannot afford sitting and waiting for a miracle to happen. I, among all people, know that.

This week-end saw me going to my ex-hairdresser's. I used to go to his place 20 years ago and since Vijay is not available anymore, I did not have much choice than to run back to Gopee. The place is exactly like I left it 2 decades ago, with the exception of the mildew on the walls. Gopee is still as shy and tight-lipped as ever and he still has not mastered the skills of hairdressing. The picture seemed to be like frozen in time and made me wonder how Naipaul would have described this scene. Gopee would have been a perfect character in Mr. Biswas, that of the observant time watcher who sees a myriad of picturesque characters walking in and out of his salon.He knows the story and secrets of each and every individual but no one ever knows his. The hairdresser is someone you talk to, you confide in, you ask advice to and even request help from by calling upon his network but you never bother asking how he is faring.

5 more minutes to go before the clock strikes midnight...
Happy Birthday Ash, thanks for trying to be a good person.

Life these days? Beurk!!!

The month of november is coming to an end.
I have been given a job offer under very strange circumstances where it has nothing to do with my competencies. I am suddenly having bad thoughts about the people knowing that the bare truth is that I am being manipulated. I hate this feeling of thinking bad about people but I can't feel comfortable at all with the process they used to get at me.
Everything happening to me has been uncanny this year, I never truly felt I belonged anywhere or to anyone and not talking to Kalim is a sadness I have to carry with me every single day.
My eyes open a little more each day when I measure how much Kers never loved me. He was so busy thinking about a scheme to get of our relationship that he never thought about the collateral damage that would ensue.
This month of November has been the most painful one of the year; nightmares about Kers almost every night, missing Kalim, a (unjustified) horrible feeling of loneliness and rejection, scared by the terrorist attacks in Paris and worried for Mike and his family, uncertainties regarding my professional future, unable to bond with old friends, my brother breaking the news that he is leaving for abroad for the next 3 years, learning about Devi didi's stroke and critical situation at the hospital, dealing with Zulfi's semi-breakdown... ENOUGH NOW!

Shake it up Ash, this life of yours is requesting some spices!

                             Each day I wake up telling myself that life is a miracle
And for some unknown reason my heart breaks a little more

We only get one shot.

                             
                                 I don't want to blow it.

Agar Tum Saath Ho VIDEO Song | Tamasha | Ranbir Kapoor, Deepika Padukone...

Pleasing people vs Making People Happy

It finally struck me this week-end!!!
I have spent my whole life trying to please people, not make them happy.
This probably explains so many of my failures.

Pleasing someone = wanting to project a good opinion
Making someone happy = an act of kindness

This is so logical, plain and simple. How come it took me so many years to get that one right?

Funny

Funny how those who pretend loving you always wish you happiness but never bother making you happy

Funny how people who wish you happiness hate you when you manage finding it

Funny how some people seem sane and decent until you get to know them

Funny how nobody realizes how exhausting it is for some people to live a 'normal' life

Funny how when you love someone all your saved-up wishes start coming out, then the person just leaves

Life - An Interpretative Approach

I have decided for this month of November to proceed to an evaluation framework that will:

i)  help me reflect better on the content and processes of my life
ii) have a fresh interpretive approach of my daily routine and shape my future

The 1st big decision of this year was to quit my job; no regrets
The 2nd decision was to get rid of my intoxication for Kalim; wise one
The 3rd decision (jamais deux sans trois), freshly taken this week-end, is to drop all hopes of finding someone and accept this state of celibacy of mine. I just have to face it, it is going to be a long lonely ride and the quicker I get used to it, the better.

Oscar was wise enough to observe that "we are each our own devil and we make this world our hell"

Je refuse d'être cet enfant qui se tient devant la vitrine de la pâtisserie à humer le doux parfum des charlottes et à admirer toutes les merveilles exposées sachant qu'il lui manquera toujours les cinq sous qui font la roupie pour s'offrir le plus simple des gâteaux. Autant passer mon chemin et me fabriquer dans ma tête mes propres créations que je savourerai à loisir.

This exploration to the other side of my world is bringing along so many uncanny evenings and a pervasive sense of discomfort. I did not realize, until recently, that getting to know myself would be such a perilous exercise. As long as I was in my comfort zone, I was a 'normal' individual with 'normal' issues but now that I have jumped out of that zone, my survival instincts are taking over, my brain has become a laboratory where all sorts of extravagant experiments are taking place and feelings like uncertainty, doubt, loneliness, guilt and even shame are being inspected on a daily basis. 

I have to admit that it is not an unpleasant exploration though. Being introduced to myself by myself from so many angles is an interesting experience which allows me the freedom of testing new approaches. Life is all about an interpretive approach where even our worst fears are re-shaped into something thrilling and challenging. Honestly, what people call the 'middle-age crisis', is not as dreadful as it appears. As far as I am concerned, it is not as much a crisis as an exploration where every opportunity is an equal opportunity for me to re-interpret and re-shape the darker facets of my being.

                                        Life should be like this painting by Gaugin

Peter Gabriel - The Book of Love

Rien ne ressemble autant à l'amour, que l'amour-propre flatté

L'amour-propre ne lave pas le coeur, il fait juste semblant
Le coeur, justement, le voilà pris dans un cercle-vicieux qui excite l'auto-dérision; genre de message subliminal passé à la conscience.
Le courage intérieur est pris de court même si épris de justice.Les murs du fort du for intérieur sont abattus, jetés à même le sol laissant ainsi les audaces de la première heure conclure une alliance avec l'ennemi juré, la morale.
Brandissant son glaive, Oscar Wilde arrive sur son poney nain. Il n'abdiquera pas. "Appuyez-vous sur vos principes, ils finiront bien par céder" hurle-t-il à qui veut bien l'entendre.
Mais, les fidèles ont déserté la place et les sons des tambours qui autrefois inspiraient la peur se traduisent désormais en un bruit plus intime et sensuel. L'instrument donne la cadence même à la couleur.L'intangible est le nouveau crépuscule des sens.

Mauvaise communication

Dieu s'invente homme
De temps en temps

L'homme s'invente Dieu
Tout le temps

Combien de fois
Les deux se sont-ils rencontrés?

Nul ne le sait
Car chacun trop occupé à passer son chemin

L'homme écoute Dieu sans comprendre
Dieu écoute l'homme sans comprendre

C'est à y perdre son latin

Of Skins & Sheets

Before, behind, between, above, below

                                              

                                                        
                                          My roving hands let go

                 We entwine, we interlock

I sizzle at the touch of your fresh flesh

And kiss your wrists and your soul

                       

                                            
                                               In sweet agony we TOSS

                                                                     Our limbs exhausted by their labour

           

                           We pray for the night to never end

Else to lay in bed in fatal stillness

Fine Young Cannibals - I'm not the man I used to be (HD 16:9)

Label

Labels are ridiculous. You are you. You know exactly who you are meant to be, and not what others say, bla, bla, bla...

Would it still sound ridiculous if I was to label myself today? A careful choice of words required here, please. Thank you.

@ 09th October 2015

A delightful package

Dear Zulfi,

On your special day, a few words for you on my blog.
What a delightful package you are. Artful with words, polite and extremely kind, your inability to be cynical and mean just awes me every passing day.

Loyalty and trust are cardinal virtues you embrace in life and having been my friend in the true sense of the word all these years makes me appreciate your worth. 

If you were to run for President, I would definitely vote for you :)

Happy Birthday Monsieur Zulfi, you are a

I wish you enough happiness for ten lives

THE KNOCKDOWN

How do you measure your own worth?

Dear Ash,

What have you been learning all these years?
What would you do differently if you could turn back time?

I would not mean to pry and, mind you, there is no self-pity & no self-indulgence implied here; only the bare reality of who you are and what you have accomplished.

The result is not very brilliant, right? Hmmm

Back to basics:
What is it that you are the proudest of, Ash?
...
Honestly? Nothing?
...

I wish I could list down here a few things that I am really proud of but there are none I can think of.
On the other hand, when it comes down to listing things I am ashamed of, well, that's another story. A much easier exercise.

I am ashamed not having been able to hear Kers when he was calling out for me.
I am ashamed for not being able to nurture a sane relationship with Kal, the person I care the most about in this world. I am so sorry Kal but I am a walking bomb and being in my company is not safe for you. That will not help you in your search for a stable relationship. I just need to make sure you are in safer place than me. It's the least I can do for you who have been such a wonderful friend. I hope one day you understand that I am trying to protect you here, not harm you.
I am ashamed of my dysfunctional relationship with my sister, ashamed of not trying hard enough.
I am ashamed of not having been able to make my father proud of me the way the other siblings did.
I am ashamed of not having been mature enough to let go when Hash and Sim had already switched off.
I am ashamed of being such a sentimental jerk who does not understand anything about love.

Now, referring to the above question about pride and bringing it one notch down (I ought to be a little bit more indulgent here) it goes something like this:

Ash, Is there anything you have done in your life that makes you proud of yourself?
...

Seriously, there must be at least one.
...

You know what,? Go to bed, just go and get some sleep.
You are getting fuckingly annoying here.

Seeing through appearances

Life's innuendos

Today somebody stood me up. How is that about free falling?  

Was that a sign? One of life's little innuendos?

Actually, that was a good experience. It made me reflect on loneliness and purged me of this fear of rejection, I was almost happy that the person did not come as it allowed me to spend quality time with myself. 

I am just an emulsion of so many elements like any other person on this planet. "Learn to read the signs" they say but maybe there are no signs after all. Maybe there is just life as it is, bare and raw and me trying to deal with it with all my commotions. I have taken a vow to break that usual operating mode of mine and the best way to satisfy my various desires is simply to drop them all and live in the now.

Ames sensibles, s'en donner à coeur joie

Vivre ses émotions au ralenti

Faire de sa sensibilité un garde-fou 

Et de son coeur, une chapelle

Scruter du coin de l'oeil 

Cette tendresse méconnue

A l'effluve charbonné

Le cri de volupté

Est la plus douce des musiques

Elle masse la pensée, elle stimule l'orgasme

Looking the world straight in the face

Looking the world straight in the face
Winking at it for giving us Soft Cell's Tainted Love

What makes my heart smile on this sunny Saturday morning?
Listening to Vapors Turning Japanese. Finding it hard to get that guitar riff out of my head

How I intend to spend the day?
Drawing circles in the sky.

Equinox

Today is equinox - dark and light will be in balance.

Brings me to the delicate case of Kalim.14 years of never really being able to pull the plug has exhausted me. Yes, it is draining to be attached that much to someone and not be on the same wavelength with that person.Our views differ and the irrational part of me always gave in when it came down to him. At one point, he needed help to find his equilibrium and I became part of a long healing process.I helped as much as I could, it turned out that it worked out positively and that set him right back on track.He found his equinox.

Kalim can shout as much as he wants today, he can come up with all sorts of theories, the truth remains that despite all his efforts, there is nothing he can do about this back and forth relationship of ours. It is indeed sad to reach that stage (again!) where loving feelings weigh only in one part of the balance. I have probably undergone the most vulnerable moment of my life this year after my break up and I am so ever grateful to him for having been there for me. There is nothing he can blame himself for. He provided me with a shoulder to lean on and the fact that we have always been more than friends confused me. Aaagggghhhh, classic story! guy missing his bf so much that he swaps his affection to an 'ex'. I guess I just wanted to matter.

So, where we do we go from there? How do I become my own doctor and cure myself from this state of being once and for all? How do I remove the blindfold and reach my equinox?

My Role Models

When I was a very young my role model was Simla. Then, in my teenage years I met Vicky, a guy who seemed to have it all, kindness, generosity, poise and smart-ass attitude, things that inspired me so much that I emulated him. Undoubtedly both Simla and Vicky had a huge impact on me. Along the years, although we only sporadically kept in touch, I always had them in mind when faced with an unexpected situation, asking myself how they have would reacted had they been in my shoes and I must say that this got helped me get out of quite a few traps.

Today I decided to pay a visit to Vicky. The last time we had a conversation was in 2009 when he came for dad's funeral. I heard that Vicky's sister, Devika passed away two months ago and I came to know about this sad news only very recently. It was only normal that I paid him a visit. Well, I left his place with exactly that same feeling I had when I was a teenager; an indescribable impression of happiness. My face was glowing with a smile and I was amazed by how he still succeeded in instilling this positive vibe in me simply by being his natural self. I remember trying to copy his qualities and mimic them as much as I could. I never told Vicky how much he had a massive influence on my emotional quotient and never thanked him for igniting that passion for life in me. I guess some things are better left unspoken in order not to spoil the magic.

If today I don't feel blank when it comes to asking myself what my life is really about or what I would like to be acknowledged for before I die, I have to be grateful to Simla and Vicky. They truly did a great job in helping me answer these questions.

                                       Avant que mes sentiments s'ensauvagent

                            Avant que mes humeurs tombent aux mains des marrons

                      Avant que cette liqueur qui noie mes yeux ne devienne arack

                     Avant que les rutilances du matin ne rattrapent ma conscience

                         C'est décidé! Ce soir j'encante mon âme au plus offrant

I smell karma in the air

Meeting with Naushad has avoided me a session with the shrink, isn't that cool? Listening to him was like hearing myself talk and provided me with a better insight on my state of being and mindset. True that I was about to write an angry letter to karma to inform him that I had a list of persons that he had missed and that it would be unfair not to do me justice but after my conversation with Naushad, I retracted and came back to more reasonable feelings. There is no rush anyway, my friend karma knows the time to strike is nearing.

I spent part of morning dancing on salsa music. I have switched to soulful ballads this evening.
I have always believed that certain hours of the day need to be associated with specific types of music.My musical agenda is usually set as follows:

Saturday morning = 80s dance music / evening = classic rock
Sunday morning= Salsa / evening = slow jam
Monday morning = Sega / evening = café de paris
Tuesday morning = Bossa Nova / evening = bollywood
Wednesday morning =  90s hits / evening = classical music
Thursday morning = Hard rock / evening = old school funk and soul
Friday morning = 60s rock hits / evening = smooth mellow jazz

Of all the years I ever knew, the finest ones I've known with you

Choosing which tear to drop

J'ai sous la peau un peu d'amour asséché
Il doit m'en rester tout juste
Jusqu'à la prochaine rencontre

A l'oeil une toute dernière larme
Que je conserve précieusement
Pour le jour dernier

Jusqu'au cas où

Il me restera un regret
Ou
La satisfaction d'avoir été heureux

3.34 am

End of a 16 year chapter

Today I took out from a drawer a diary which I had started in 1999. I realised that there were only 02 pages left for me to finish it off so I started going through the older pages and I came across names like Lovena, Marguerite, Leckraz, Rakesh, Ryan and those of some other persons I hardly remember along the years.

Lovena and I had a fling 18 years ago, then she got married to that flight attendant and completely disappeared from the scene, only to call me 5-6 years later when things started getting rocky in her marriage. As for Marguerite, she passed away in 2007, which marked the end of an era; that of childhood memories.

I also wrote about my brother receiving the Jean Fanchette award and how proud we were. At that time I had not met Shafeeq yet and Hash and I were still close friends.

A few words from this 16 year old diary which have retained my attention:

Monday 04.01.99 to Sunday 06.09.2015

• La dimension de l'émotion
• I used to be in love with the image I projected of myself
• Let's think practical!
• Il fait soleil dans mon être aujourd'hui
• I want to explode like a supernova
• I am lovecentric
• Luck/Faith/Travel/Enthusiasm, yeah, yeah, yeah...
• I am too blessed to be stressed
• My life? A blank sheet which I need to fill everyday
• Am I right?Am I wrong? Or is the lens I am looking through simply blurred?
• Parents want their children to be happy- what if they already are?
• The souvenir of Syed makes me happy, seeing Shaf living his life at his pace makes me happy
• Le cynisme serait-il l'enfant pauvre de la dépression?
• 25th June 2009: this year dad passed away, I am facing a severe drawback at work, mum had to undergo painful surgery, there has been the end of a beautiful friendship, my sentimental relationship is in the middle of an earthquake. How am I surviving all this? I have no fucking idea
• La seule constante, la seule vérité: tout n'est qu'impermanence
• Voilà! Je me suis déprogrammé. plus aucun risque de 'crash' dans mon coeur désormais
• How spiritually evolved am I?
• Je ne m'en fais pas pour autant, sachant que je suis aussi le miroir de l'autre
• J'écris afin de ne pas oublier qui je suis
• Le seul moyen d'avancer dans la vie est de lâcher prise
• Libéré de cette surcharge d'émotions
• L'humanité se brise un peu plus chaque jour. Je vois les enfants se faire massacrer en Palestine et cette image provoque en moi un haut-le-coeur. Le monde est fou. Qui condamne qui?
• Les hommes s'occupent tellement de religion qu'il leur arrive d'en oublier Dieu
• To pay all the loans and mortgages of the family...
• Comprendre la vérité des gens et en sortir du bonheur, chaque moment est un acte de délectation.
• Prévert me manque.
• I need substance / Aie confiance.Sois patient.
• Dawn of my life or dusk?
• C'est horrible de réaliser qu'on me trouve 'sympathique'. Il n'y a pas plus fadasse comme mot. Quelle condescendence! 
• Choice - Chance - Change: the winning trio
• Mes souvenirs intellectuels, ma charité immorale, et cette jouissance que j'éprouve à faire la leçon aux autres = intelligence émotionnelle? What the fuck??? I got it all wrong, again!
• Qu'en penserait Malcom s'il était encore là? La mémoire a cinq portes d'entrée: les cinq sens; et une unique porte de sortie: l'imagination

Well wishers are good...

This morning I saw a message from my friend Ziyad and it was very heartwarming to read from him.
Then I met an aunt who told me that for an unknown reason she had been thinking hard about me earlier on, about how joyful and affectionate I am.I attended course this morning and the lecturer made some very positive comments on my assignment sheet saying that my poise and composure make of me a natural leader and he added that I am charismatic and know how to capture an audience with my smiling eyes.This afternoon my associate told me that since I have joined him in the business, projects keep materializing one after the other and that I am the luck factor that the organization needed. A few minutes ago, a friend from nowhere called me to ask me a piece of advice and told me how much my opinion was always valuable to him.

I tend to forget how often people compliment me about my eyes, about how smiling they are. I also tend to forget how regularly people call upon me when they need an advice, a caring ear or a friendly shoulder. Lastly, it would do me good to recall from time to time that I do bring positive energy wherever I go.

Yellow Coldplay Sax Cover

That stranger in me

There is a stranger living under my skin these days.
He is a sad guy.
Today he was in a reflective mood and thought about leaving my skin.
Then, he made someone cry by being mean.
Sad people are mean. They need to hurt people to be able to define themselves.

I need to have a serious talk with that guy and ask him to leave.
This ain't good, this ain't good at all.

Being Brave

The Journey

Wrong Equation

What went wrong with my equation? It was supposed to be a mathematical prose that any layman could understand. It referred to me as being the 'good guy' to whom good things would happen.I never considered the 40s would teach me that being the 'good guy' is not enough. Clearly it works for others, not for me. What do I lack? craziness?I have been honest and truthful to myself and this has been so damn boring, even to me. I just came to realise that my equations are never complex enough to capture and retain the attention of those I am interested in.

I used to be so passionate and romantic. I miss my old self.

The Leap of Faith

Today I handed out my letter of resignation.14 years of service and I am now about to take a leap of faith into the unknown.I have not sent any cv, nor called anyone and some people might think I am crazy or stupid but I know that I will be okay. I know who I am.

It is a great feeling.

The Entertainment Game

That awkward feeling of having entertained people throughout your life and that they suddenly got up and walked away out of boredome. I refer to Sim, Hashim & Kersley, the 03 persons who mattered the most to me in my life and who are not here anymore. How do I survive this? Reaching out for an answer is pointless. I guess I just need to go and find a way to help myself. No one else will.No one. Even entertainment evolves depending on the era we are living in.My show was simply never adapted to its time; too parodic, too cynical, too sentimental, too dramatic, too gawky. I absolutely hate the fact that I entertained those persons and that my show was not captivating enough for them to stay until the end. I cannot and will not review my script.I might modify or choose to delete some scenes but the storyline itself will remain unaltered. After all, can you choose to walk another path after having gone so far already? I am like a gladiator inside an arena, fighting to death against myself, trying to kill my ego to finally be liberated from attachment. Buddha said that pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.I am not in suffering but I am in pain and I don't know how long it will take to heal.Additionally, my insight and intellectual growth are both suffering from a lack of stillness of mind. I wonder if the real question would not rather be: How do you entertain yourself Ash? Having spent so much time being the playwright, producer, director, actor of my own movie, maybe it's time for me to step back and let myself be entertained like a mere spectator. Who knows, I might as well whistle when I like a scene? or throw flowers? or go and ask for an autograph?

Happy Birthday Mike - Life is a triracle

Let us define a miracle like as an event with a 1 in 1,000,000 chance of happening.Then a triracle would be an event with a trillionth chance.
Well, guess what? You made it there my friend. You are the only person I know who has been able to live spherically in all directions when we were all struggling to tread on one path.
At 40, the best is yet to come and you better re-fuel fast as other frontiers still remain to be explored.
Mike, you have been endowed with an infallible flair, great sensitivity and powerful dynamism. Have you ever stopped and considered that you have a dynamite package there?
Your time has come to be celebrated and loved and no matter what issues people have in their lives, do not let yourself be defined through their eyes. I know how important family is to you and your girls love you more than you could ever imagine.

Motivational Quotes + possible death

I spend my time reading motivational quotes these days, just to boost me up a little. Bad news after a disastrous break up, went for medical check up routine and it turns out that I have serious coronary problems. took an appointment to see the cardiologist this coming friday. it will be friday the 13th and the worst case scenario would be that the doctor predicts that I have not much time left. how dramatic does that sound? gee, when I read myself, i feel I'm in a woody allen movie. mind you, am no big fan of woody but i did find his "midnight in paris' an absolute masterpiece of drolerie and romance.
so,what if I die? what happens next?
I need to take care of the following first:

Replace Kers by Sid as beneficiary on my insurance. He can use the money to go to uni.
Make sure Kers has all the papers for the car to avoid any problem.
Clear all unpaid debts behind and give my account number to my sis for the expenses for the funeral.
Give my land to a member of the family in need.
Write letters to my loved ones, a few words of support and courage.
Leave some money for charity.
Burn all my diaries.
Make sure I do not fight with anyone in my last days...lol

In my last moment tell myself that I am just having a bad day but that my life itself had been quite lovely.

And if I don't die, ben...ça me fera une belle jambe.

Tired of feeling low

I would have prefered my life to be a white sheet

One day...

I feel like an empty shell

That 31st December

On 31st December 2014 at 23H50, I wanted to end the year on a positive note.I sat in my room and listened to Kaya's "Chant l'amour". Kaya's voice is very emotional in it and the lyrics always move me.

This song gives me hope that one day things will be better...

Becoming a better version of myself

My life is taking an unexpected twist with the fact that my partner is leaving me after 8 years of a beautiful relationship. I will not extrapolate on the subject and will not turn out to become a bitter person. That is not who I am. What do you do when you suddenly find yourself on the edge of void and emptiness?
I have surely made mistakes despite giving my best shot and although no one is truly to be blamed, all I can think about is to cling on to something positive. Maybe I am simply being given the opportunity of becoming a better version of myself. I am determined to be happy, with or without someone but at the same time I am weak these days. I will definitely cry on some lonely nights and hate myself for the mishaps that emerged along the way but I need to embrace the fact that life is a process and that I need to hurt to be able to heal. I am longing to have a good relationship with myself. Throughout those past years, I have been giving and loving but it has been to someone. Question is: Have I been giving and loving enough to myself?
I know the whole concept of the 'I' can be detrimental as it implies that the ego is put forward, in the limelight. That said, what is wrong in wanting to mend a broken heart? I do not want to be analytical or brainy, I just need to be inspired and intuitive. I am looking for signs everywhere to understand how to find a path which I can tread on. I do not want to see a sad version of myself. I do not want to be gloomy and aggressive. I need change, I need to breathe, I need freedom of thought, I need to dream again.I need to absorb each and every ray of light inside my body.

I need to glow in all simplicity and humility. We are all born to glow.

Sois Patient. Aie Confiance

A small voice inside my head me asks me to be patient and to have faith.
That's the least I can do for him.
Nothíng’s lost yet.

 

Mood of the month