Mon cadeau d'anniversaire

J'ai rendu une visite à chacha Kresh ce matin. Cela faisait un moment que je voulais le voir, lui parler, le toucher. Cet homme autrefois si jovial et vivant n'est plus que l'ombre de lui-même au crépuscule de sa vie. Depuis le décès de sa fille ainée l'année dernière, il parle à peine, si ce n'est avec un regard blafard et mélancolique qui semble dire: "Oh toi la vie, moi qui ai été si bon et vertueux, si droit et respectueux, pourquoi m'accables-tu de tant de chagrin?"

Il a souri pourtant aujourd'hui en me voyant, d'un sourire faible mais sincère et cela a été mon plus beau cadeau d'anniversaire. Quand j'avais dix ans,cet homme me faisait m'asseoir sur le canapé et me lisait le Reader's Digest en décortiquant chaque phrase, afin de m’aider à améliorer mon anglais. Il avait une grande estime pour mon père et  m'invitait souvent à sa table autour du repas familial. Je le voyais inculquer des valeurs profondes à son fils qui, enfant, était mon meilleur ami. 

Comme tout homme, il avait des défauts et en l'observant je finissais par comprendre quels seraient les choix à faire en grandissant, comment ne pas commettre ces mêmes "erreurs d'homme". Il a été une figure paternelle de par ses actions, bonnes et parfois moins bonnes, toujours humaines. On veut tous ressembler à son père et paradoxalement on veut tous s'éloigner le plus possible de l'image du père.

Il fallait que je lui rende visite et que je le serre dans mes bras histoire de lui faire sentir que j'avais appris de lui, que j'avais retenu ses leçons. Il fallait qu'il sache qu'il avait compté et qu’il m’a aidé à me construire en tant qu’homme.

Nothing like family/ The week-end which saw my revival

Mum gathered the family around a great dinner for my birthday tonight. It was absolutely lovely and I felt happy and truly blessed to have my loved ones around me. The conversation revolved around the day I was born, the cyclone, my dad being feverish that night and asking my sister who was ten to prepare dinner, then putting everyone in the car and braving the rain and the winds to bring my mum,who was having terrible contractions to the clinic. I was born sharp at midnight when the cyclone was at its peak and the roof of the clinic was being 'blown away'. I never get enough listening to this story over and over again :)

I am feeling better after talking to the family and asking for their support concerning the side business I want to launch. Whether it will succeed or not, I can only know after trying and the end of december will seal my fate. I need to do something concrete with my life, I just cannot afford sitting and waiting for a miracle to happen. I, among all people, know that.

This week-end saw me going to my ex-hairdresser's. I used to go to his place 20 years ago and since Vijay is not available anymore, I did not have much choice than to run back to Gopee. The place is exactly like I left it 2 decades ago, with the exception of the mildew on the walls. Gopee is still as shy and tight-lipped as ever and he still has not mastered the skills of hairdressing. The picture seemed to be like frozen in time and made me wonder how Naipaul would have described this scene. Gopee would have been a perfect character in Mr. Biswas, that of the observant time watcher who sees a myriad of picturesque characters walking in and out of his salon.He knows the story and secrets of each and every individual but no one ever knows his. The hairdresser is someone you talk to, you confide in, you ask advice to and even request help from by calling upon his network but you never bother asking how he is faring.

5 more minutes to go before the clock strikes midnight...
Happy Birthday Ash, thanks for trying to be a good person.

Life these days? Beurk!!!

The month of november is coming to an end.
I have been given a job offer under very strange circumstances where it has nothing to do with my competencies. I am suddenly having bad thoughts about the people knowing that the bare truth is that I am being manipulated. I hate this feeling of thinking bad about people but I can't feel comfortable at all with the process they used to get at me.
Everything happening to me has been uncanny this year, I never truly felt I belonged anywhere or to anyone and not talking to Kalim is a sadness I have to carry with me every single day.
My eyes open a little more each day when I measure how much Kers never loved me. He was so busy thinking about a scheme to get of our relationship that he never thought about the collateral damage that would ensue.
This month of November has been the most painful one of the year; nightmares about Kers almost every night, missing Kalim, a (unjustified) horrible feeling of loneliness and rejection, scared by the terrorist attacks in Paris and worried for Mike and his family, uncertainties regarding my professional future, unable to bond with old friends, my brother breaking the news that he is leaving for abroad for the next 3 years, learning about Devi didi's stroke and critical situation at the hospital, dealing with Zulfi's semi-breakdown... ENOUGH NOW!

Shake it up Ash, this life of yours is requesting some spices!

                             Each day I wake up telling myself that life is a miracle
And for some unknown reason my heart breaks a little more

We only get one shot.

                             
                                 I don't want to blow it.

Agar Tum Saath Ho VIDEO Song | Tamasha | Ranbir Kapoor, Deepika Padukone...

Pleasing people vs Making People Happy

It finally struck me this week-end!!!
I have spent my whole life trying to please people, not make them happy.
This probably explains so many of my failures.

Pleasing someone = wanting to project a good opinion
Making someone happy = an act of kindness

This is so logical, plain and simple. How come it took me so many years to get that one right?

Funny

Funny how those who pretend loving you always wish you happiness but never bother making you happy

Funny how people who wish you happiness hate you when you manage finding it

Funny how some people seem sane and decent until you get to know them

Funny how nobody realizes how exhausting it is for some people to live a 'normal' life

Funny how when you love someone all your saved-up wishes start coming out, then the person just leaves

Life - An Interpretative Approach

I have decided for this month of November to proceed to an evaluation framework that will:

i)  help me reflect better on the content and processes of my life
ii) have a fresh interpretive approach of my daily routine and shape my future

The 1st big decision of this year was to quit my job; no regrets
The 2nd decision was to get rid of my intoxication for Kalim; wise one
The 3rd decision (jamais deux sans trois), freshly taken this week-end, is to drop all hopes of finding someone and accept this state of celibacy of mine. I just have to face it, it is going to be a long lonely ride and the quicker I get used to it, the better.

Oscar was wise enough to observe that "we are each our own devil and we make this world our hell"

Je refuse d'être cet enfant qui se tient devant la vitrine de la pâtisserie à humer le doux parfum des charlottes et à admirer toutes les merveilles exposées sachant qu'il lui manquera toujours les cinq sous qui font la roupie pour s'offrir le plus simple des gâteaux. Autant passer mon chemin et me fabriquer dans ma tête mes propres créations que je savourerai à loisir.

This exploration to the other side of my world is bringing along so many uncanny evenings and a pervasive sense of discomfort. I did not realize, until recently, that getting to know myself would be such a perilous exercise. As long as I was in my comfort zone, I was a 'normal' individual with 'normal' issues but now that I have jumped out of that zone, my survival instincts are taking over, my brain has become a laboratory where all sorts of extravagant experiments are taking place and feelings like uncertainty, doubt, loneliness, guilt and even shame are being inspected on a daily basis. 

I have to admit that it is not an unpleasant exploration though. Being introduced to myself by myself from so many angles is an interesting experience which allows me the freedom of testing new approaches. Life is all about an interpretive approach where even our worst fears are re-shaped into something thrilling and challenging. Honestly, what people call the 'middle-age crisis', is not as dreadful as it appears. As far as I am concerned, it is not as much a crisis as an exploration where every opportunity is an equal opportunity for me to re-interpret and re-shape the darker facets of my being.

                                        Life should be like this painting by Gaugin