29th February

Ben voilà...the opportunity is given to me once every four years to write on my blog on a 29th of february.

I have decided that it will be the only day when I can be more judgmental than usual and bitch about people who have been assholes to me (Of course, the bitching is going to take place between me and a cup of black coffee in a remote place where no one can see me, else I might end up looking like a wizard talking to himself, reading omens and giving curses)

This morning I decided to list down the names of the most 'faux-culs' persons I have come across in my life and, voyons voir, I came up with nine names, yes nine names, can you imagine? That is a lot, a fucking lot. 02 explanations here; either I was too naive to realize it or too comfortable being around them, both cases I have no excuse.

I hesitated adding Kers's name to the list before deciding that he was just plain asshole and as horrible and cruel as he is, he is far too dumb to grace this selection. Yes, let it be known that 'faux-culs' are never stupid, they are either calculating, shrewd and manipulative or mean and heartless. They would just do anything to be in your good books and polish their image when inside they are the most insipid, villainous persons ever, oozing with low self-confidence. They never hesitate to pay lip-service to you but heart-service to their selfishness just to have it their way.

Unsurprisingly 90% of the persons in my list are devout believers in God. They attend all sorts of prayers at church, at the temple and the mosque where they make sure the debt to God is paid before pursuing their day with deceit, lies and venom.

I am relieved these people no more form part of my environment, I am so much better off without them. Still,come to think about it, they have just made way for a new breed of hypocrites to come with their capes and hidden daggers. I won't be able to escape it. It is well known that hypocrisy is the tribute that vice pays to virtue.

Les vendredis de l'absolu

La semaine a été intense et ce vendredi, bien evidemment, ne ressemble à aucun autre. C'est un vendredi de l'absolu où j'ai besoin de m'arrêter pour révéler mes idéaux volatiles et pour parler d'être à être, avec comme toile de fond, la mélancolie.

Cette semaine un ami s'en est allé parce qu'il se sentait infini et limité à la fois. Comment aurai-je su comprendre cela?

Les vendredis de l'absolu devront désormais être un rituel car tout n'est qu'impermanence et si je voyage pour aller à l'autre bout de moi-même, je ne devrais pas pour autant perdre de vue le chemin de retour.

Désormais ce n'est plus uniquement au-dedans de soi qu'il faut apprendre à voyager mais bel et bien au-delà de soi, passer d'une intrépide incursion à une lumineuse exploration.

La nuit n'est jamais complète

 La nuit n’est jamais complète. 

Il y a toujours, puisque je le dis,
Puisque je l’affirme,
Au bout du chagrin
Une fenêtre ouverte,
Une fenêtre éclairée,
Il y a toujours un rêve qui veille,
Désir à combler, Faim à satisfaire,
Un cœur généreux,
Une main tendue, une main ouverte,
Des yeux attentifs,
Une vie, la vie à se partager.

                                                                                                                    - La nuit n’est jamais complète. 

                                                                                                                  Paul Eluard

Dédié à mon ami Ashwan qui, à 24 ans, a décidé de mettre un terme à sa vie le lundi 22 février 2016. A ceux qui pensent que le suicide est une folie, je réponds que c'est tout simplement un besoin de trouver la paix.

Facebook? You mean that...'treacherous' friend?

I opened my FB page today and noticed that I had been tagged a couple of times in some pics.

This hardly ever happens to me, so out of enthusiastic curiosity, I took a glance only to realise that they were pics of fried noodles, sizzling lamb and chicken chop suey. Of the lovely dinner we had on wednesday, I suddenly felt reduced to 'like' dishes and by extrapolation, thus, show my appreciation of that moment. WTF? Obviously, I can't condemn people who do it, as they are genuinely in a mindset of sharing and nurturing their networking but me having never been a big facebooker, this is not who I am nor intend to be in a near future.

The more I look at the various posts and comments from people I know, the more I tend to think that facebook is just a factory of make-believe. If we only wanted to be happy, would we bluntly put it out there in the open like this? or would we not simply enjoy life quietly? I can't believe that every single day, people just want to shout their happiness out to the world like this. Isn't there something fishy about that? I believe that we secretly just want to be happier than others and  we certainly want to show it off. We, individuals, tend to think that others are happier than us and we sometimes feel alienated at that thought. We then continuously upload pictures online each time we feel something good is happening as if to prove that we, as well, are having fun and leading a grandiloquent life. How could we be 'in' otherwise? Ironically the more 'fun' we seem to show we are having, the more 'friends' queue up at the door. After all, who would want to follow the life of a bore online? We just want to hang out with 'cool' people, don't we?

Facebook used to have an impact on my life. At times, it made me feel sad and lonely simply when I looked at that display of everyone else having fun and experiencing new stuff while I was being a total bore. That said, I recently decided to dig deeper and it hit me when I realised that some people whom I know are going through some rough seas continue showcasing only their best profiles online as if they needed to feed an image to people. They just cannot bear to appear as losers or weak. This has brought me to the strange conclusion that pain is personal and happiness is impersonal.But...aren't there different seasons in everyone's life? isn't there a winter, a spring, an autumn and a summer? After all, life is not an unending summer holiday, is it? Life plays between drums and stringed instruments and stretches from cacophony to symphony.

Facebook = A Book to show your Happy Face and any other Happy part that comes with it.

Cruise Control Mode

So, I spent four hours at hospital on Valentine's day with mum doing some tests as she was feeling unwell. She is suffering from dehydration due to the heat and high rate of humidity and she should be okay provided she drinks lots of water and feeds herself properly.
As I was sitting on the bench, I entered into a conversation about the weather with the man next to me. The nurse came and started calling out for the patients and I smiled when I realized that the guy's name was Cupidon. Of all the couples celebrating Valentine's day around the globe, there I was, the luckiest bastard of all, chatting with cupid en personne. Is there any sign to be read there? ....I wish ;)

Sunday went by with me watching The Danish Girl, a tale of unconditional love with a ravishing Alicia Vikander who swept me off my feet. Swedish actresses, I believe, have a presence on screen which simply cannot go unnoticed. As far I as can remember, I have always loved Bergman and thought of her as a quintessence of beauty just like Hepburn was that of grace and elegance.Vikander today in the skin of Gerda took me by storm with the strength of character she portrayed, That woman was love personified  in a most intense form.Redmayne was his usual good but Vikander, oh my...

Although I have loads of work awaiting me, I am in cruise control mode these days. There is a small dental clinic which has opened opposite my house recently. At night it is empty with the exception of the watchman who puts on the radio and tunes in an indian channel playing old hindi songs. It conveys a feeling of warmth and safety that brings me back to my childhood days. The volume is soft and fills up the street with a background music where the melodious voice of Lataji directed by R.D Burman challenges that of Kishoreji. The smell of cinammon and cardamom emanates from the kitchen and titillates my olfactory senses, Sid's room vibrates with his trans music and I sit by the window watching the stars walk their way in the early evening sky. The whole vicinity is filled with serene and positive energy and I unpretentiously and quietly find my place in the universe as I fully understand the feeling of Home.

Some of my favorite objects

From Kal in 2001 - A pen which reminds me
of the impact of words

A compass which reminds to me
 to keep looking for the middle path

From my bro - A car which reminds me
 to always be on the go

From Will - A watch that shows me
 how precious time is

From bro-in-law in 1991 - A digital diary on which
 I recorded events of my life back then 

Act of contrition

So, I did my act of contrition this morning and it consisted of a 'walk-til-you-drop' at candos park. Fortunately it was very breezy and I did not get too sweaty. I sat on the bench to catch my breath, watched this old couple conversing and blessed them for looking so happy.
I then started to review my relationship with god, asking myself what had brought me there to ask for 'forgiveness'. After all, haven't I been agnostic this past year? Throughout 2015, the only answer that came to my mind to the universal question: "Does god exist?" had been... "Only god knows!"
I want to believe in god (again), but not like this, not by default because I am feeling quite lonely. I used to live with that overwhelming notion that god was a great friend, partner, even lover but now when I think about it, I tell myself that it was all about a false validation.I don't feel disillusioned though, years have shown me that one of the hardest thing to do is to let go of what I thought was real.

My life is good, it is not going to be perfect. I don't intend to be perfect. All of this is okay.