Friday 25 August 2017

Nostalgie

Chacha Nund s'en est allé hier. Il nous a quitté à cinq heures du matin, à la même heure que mon père il y a huit ans... Avec lui se referme un chapitre de notre vie dans le quartier. Les deux amis d'école ne sont plus. Ils s'étaient connus vers 1954-1955.

Un passage avait été laissé ouvert intentionnellement dans la haie de bambous qui séparait nos deux maisons afin que l'on puisse se cotôyer plus facilement. Mes souvenirs de la petite enfance me ramènent inlassablement vers ces diners que l'on faisait dans le jardin et le va-et-vient incessant entre nos deux demeures.Entendre ces sonorités au goût d'eternité dans ma tête me rend triste et heureux à la fois.L'amitié à portée de coeur n'a pas de prix et ne connait pas la solitude.

Les grands dimunes m'ont laissé leur histoire et j'aime me la raconter en voiture seul, le matin.C'est mon moment privilégié à moi. Je revois les éclats de rires d'hier et j'entrevois les valeurs de demain que je transmettrai à Sid. D'ici vingt ans, au volant de sa voiture, certaines pensées lui seront comme un langage familier et le soleil, le vrai, n'ornera pas le ciel car il sera collé au coin de ses lèvres.

La vie ne restitue rien, elle ne fait que passer en nous observant et nous ne faisons que respirer sa légèreté et parfois son étrangeté jusqu'à ce que ne subsiste plus qu'un simple sentiment...la nostalgie. 

Ce soir je revendique le droit à la mélancolie, pas celle qui écrase sous le poids de l'émotion, mais celle qui  libère et qui affranchi des peines.


Saturday 19 August 2017

Reality check

Sometimes we have to take tough decisions in life, decisions which we know will modify the perceptions of people we care for about who we are. I took this risk today because I realized that trying to preserve a relationship by not being honest and open was ending up distorting everything. I have my own distinct rhythm of drama and melancholia drawn from my life experiences.I have tried to stay moored to reality for so long even when at times I felt I was being pulled in contrary directions.

I did my coming out to Kiran today. I should feel relieved.
                     Instead, I have this unexplained impression that the illusion was better.

Did I mar this relationship of ours? pollute it with the truth?

                                               Is honesty the best gift you can offer a dying friend?

Is this the manifesto I want to write to myself?
             
                                                       Why am I feeling awful?

Sunday 6 August 2017

There's a drama going on

When friends send you whatsapp messages like 'enjoy every moment in your life.today's beautiful moments are tomorrow's beautiful memories' how come they forget to complete it with ' ...and today's ugly  moments are tomorrow's sadnesses'?

An unexpected and dramatic situation occurred last sunday, leaving me perplexed and making me lose my bearings. I found myself in the middle of a terrible family clash where words of hatred and bitterness have been expressed leaving everyone profoundly hurt and sad. I tried as hard as possible not to take sides but the crisis eroded into something which went beyond us all. The worse is when you realize that you are trapped into a dangerous landslide and that you have lost control of the situation. I have had to take a stand against family members I am deeply attached to and where did this all lead me? Well, to leave the battlefield, angry, frustrated, feeling rejected, unwanted and unwelcome into a house where doors had always been opened for me.

A week has elapsed and I haven't been able to get a proper sleep.I have gone for long walks on the beach by the sunset trying to pacify my heart and let out all this angst inside of me.I am not able to share my feelings with any of my closest friends.

I managed to reach Kiran this week and after talking to him, I felt even worse (as if that was possible). Our conversation was strange and surreal. I felt as if he was disappointed in me at so many levels. He made me feel that our friendship was supposed to be better than what it actually is, that I was supposed to be straight and a better man.

There is so much turmoil in my head and chaos in my heart right now...

Douze petites minutes

Quatre rues séparent ma maison de C hez Ram où trois pains maison chauds chauds  m'attendent tous les matins. Cinq minutes à pieds pour ...