Friday 27 December 2019

I have seen

As 2019 draws to its end, a quiet storm of words & emotions dangles into my being. I watch the curtain fall over a year which has been as amazing as it has been dramatic and I cannot help but go through all the many images again in my head, some being cringe-inducing and others light and mellow. All of which are  punctuated by zingy one-liners. I still feel a chill in my heart every now and then. It happens when I hear Valsha's voice in my head or when I see the image of Farah fighting for survival on that hospital bed, Didi Pratima catching her last breaths of air and slowly departing thereon, Umar in the ICU room and his daughter crying in the corridor. These situations have hit me so hard that they nearly knocked me down this year.

I have seen families and friends sacrifice for one another, and also fail one another. I have seen people letting go of relationships, happily and sadly. I have seen people very close to me showing the shady part of their personality and behaving in idiotic ways.

I tell myself that all the years are the same, carrying their loads of good and bad yet at the same time I feel concerned and worried that I keep coming to the same conclusion, as if it was all new to me and that I should be expecting a different outcome. Shouldn't I be accustomed to the cycle of life by now? Isn't it natural that people that you love die or just disappear? Well, it gets harder and harder, knowing time is closing in, that your circle is directly targeted and that your comfort zone is about to blow apart at any time.

Those are not depressing thoughts, it is simply a reality that I have to deal with and the only measure I can take is to enhance my life by obliterating certain boundaries and opening myself more to the good vibes that surround me. I have had a lot of joy this year. I had by my side someone whose mere presence has been so inspirational and positively influential that it taught me to be braver. I am a talker and he is a guy whose actions speak louder than words. Putting aside our romance, I had always wanted to meet someone who would practice righteousness, do virtuous actions and be able to absorb the restless energy in me. In him I have found someone who has exceeded all my expectations and had he not been here to hold my hand this whole year, I would have been totally drained. This experience we are undergoing is precious and unique and I want to celebrate it for as long as possible.


Sunday 15 December 2019

The perfect day

Sometimes life offers you a perfect day out of a year which is eventful and tragic.

My perfect day of 2019: 14th of december, my sister's birthday.

Tea party and that delicious cake brought by the kids, family games, Ajit capturing the mood of the moment in a snapshot taken from the roof, decorating the xmas tree and sucking on piksidoos...lots of piksidoos. It was already awesome until I decided to take Antish for a night swim at Pereybere followed by midnight dinner on la rue Desforges, just so to nail one of the sweetest and warmest day ever.

What made it all so special?

- Watching the glow on my mum's face: " Mo ena tou mo bannes zenfants devant mo lizié et mo banes ti zenfans. mank nek Sid."

- Divya's laughter, Ashna's laughter, Mayuri's laughter, Jay's laughter, Sujata's laughter...the laughing, the joking, the family stories and the singing.

- Antish's staring at the stars while backstroking.

- Watching the most impressive moonrise ever.

- Sleeping soundly thereafter


Friday 6 December 2019

Case Study

I was called in for a special treat last week-end for my birthday. With his magic touch Antish made it special by pouring his heart out organizing a surprise for me and what can I say? Special, it was. An impressive cake, a lovely dinner, slow-mo dancing under water bubbles and thought-provoking conversations completed a moment which was both tender and sweet. Actually, I think that my Instagram pic comment describes the evening quite well. It reads: 'There was love. A whole lotta love.'

All good things coming to an end, the day after saw me stepping,unprepared, into an uncanny week at work, one with its load of  unpleasant surprises :(

I cannot but reflect on the fact that my work place is the perfect setting for case studies of human behavior. In a case study you examine a real-life situation with all its complexities to discover what factors might contribute to outcomes. The situations that are under the magnifying lens here at work are various, they go from tragic love affairs, theft, bullying to throwing tantrums to people, if not objects. These never-ending dramas are directly connected to the laws of karma and I often choke when I witness how ill-treated people are, how the effect of harsh words and actions slowly destroy their self-worth and how these same people allow other individuals to vociferate at them, thinking they are deprived from the right of expressing themselves freely. At times, I step in and pacify situations but my actions are limited and it also requires constant energy to do so.  I wonder how I succeed in facing such negative energies. Maybe it is because they are not directed at me specifically or because I have a lot of protection. I try to help, support and console those who have been struck by lightning here. This could be my true purpose after all, who knows?

Mounia, our Rodrigan cook, has been thrown out of her rental this week. She found herself on the street at 10pm with her suitcase and bag with nowhere to go. That also after a series of catastrophe at work which almost led her to depression. She left her 02 kids with her mom to come and strive for better life here but instead found herself trapped into modern slavery. Thank God she got support from all the colleagues who decided to get her out of an impossible situation. She has just spent these past 03 nights at Sandiana's and Nanda got her a small apartment in Vacoas. I am offering her a whole month of grocery. Her case is one out of quite a few that I happen to witness and my daily prayers of the morning are directed towards trying to find in the teachings of the Buddha a way to soothe peoples' heartaches. In a way, they all have karma that they are cleansing.

"If we want everyone to be well, we need to rethink everything that we do and the way we are doing it in the world." - Sadhguru. Life brings to us so many case studies on an every day basis. We experience the very essence of it without understanding it, so we suffer. I think we should simply let go of all of our fears and accept the fact that we deserve each and everything that happens to us, no more, no less. The idea is not to repeat the same mistakes over and over again. What is it that makes it so hard to strive to get out of certain situations and improve our conditions? We are here to serve life, not to make something improper of it.




Sunday 17 November 2019

Afrique du Sud

2000kms au compteur et des images plein la tête, j'en reviens ébloui et épuisé. J'en reviens également la gorge nouée, attristé par la condition d'un grand segment de la population.

Le monde est beauté et souffrance et on ne s'en acclimate jamais vraiment.

Hot Air Balloon outside Johannesburg


View from our cottage in Franschhoek


The Elephant Sanctuary


The amazing Cango Caves


On our way to Hermanus


Farmlands


Hermanus


The Wine Tram in Franschhoek


Alesha

Thursday 17 October 2019

15 Octobre 2019

Parfois, le temps réussit cela, de faire rayonner certaines personnes lorsqu'ils entament leur dernière ligne droite. Au lieu de rides, l'âge fait ressortir le rire dans leurs yeux et adoucit leurs regards.

Maman a célébré  ses 81ans mardi dernier. Du haut cette estrade, elle ne regarde pas sa vie mais la contemple tel un ciel dessiné d’étoiles; tant de responsabilités, de vies accompagnées, de joies transmises, de larmes versées. Les paupières se sont peut-être affaissées légèrement mais pas ce regard vif et plein d'insolence.

Je ne raconte jamais grand-chose sur ma mère car j'ai toujours cette crainte de ne jamais trouver les mots justes. Un fils sait-il vraiment décrire tout l'amour qu'il porte à une mère aimante? Dans mon quotidien, je côtoie des gens proches qui n'ont pas la chance de connaitre une si grande bénédiction.


 

 

Thursday 26 September 2019

Pratima

When I think about my mawsi, the image that comes to my mind is not that of someone who has died but rather that of someone who has suddenly walked away from life, unprepared. This fills me with sadness.

Didi Pratim passed away on Monday evening, leaving her husband, her children and my mother brokenhearted. Back home from the funeral, the latter told me the following story:

- Ene fois kan nou ti bien tipti, mone gagne laguerre ek Pratim, mone mette li lor lili mo batt li, batt li, batt li, gros,gros kalott. Line saisi, line ress en place. Apres sa mone gayn sagrin, sagrin, sagrin. Mone penser kuma mone batt mo ti soeur et mo lekerr in gros. Zamé mo pane re-laguerr are li encore depi sa. Nou fine ress dakor ek proche toute longue nou la vie. 

Mo soeur ti content mwa extra buku, li ti frazile frazile et tout le temps mone rode protez li. Kouma li ti content kan mone amene li promener l'Inde ek mwa. Sak fois li tane dire mone gagne kiksoz, harr-harr, li pou galoupé li pou vine gett mwa, li pou maye moi li pou plorer.

This paragraph sums up perfectly a sisterly bond that lasted over 07 decades. I feel for my mother, losing her two brothers was hard enough but this unexpected demise of her sister has come as a terrible blow to her.

As for me, I have attended 03 funerals within 04 days, all due to a strange set of circumstances which has undoubtedly left me with scars. I need to find a way to process all the shock and sorrow accumulated during this black September.

At home, I have this picture portraying my nani, mum, didi Pratim, mamou Babu and mamou Sanju. It was taken in 1950 and I often look at it. It brings me to a place that I have certainly not known but which makes me feel secure and comfortable, as if all the rough edges of life had been removed at the moment the photograph was being taken. I often ask myself how come I feel nostalgic about a period that I have never lived in and I figure that it probably comes down to creating or editing a world in my head.


Until we meet again in my nostalgia, goodbye for now didi Pratim
                       

Friday 20 September 2019

Apocalyptic September


September! What are you doing to us? You will be remembered as the month where we lost Valsha, where Farah's cancer is worsening, where Vimla’s and Shaf’s respective mothers have been admitted into ICU into critical states, where Anikesh's mother has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and where my mum’s younger sister, Didi Pratima has been diagnosed with renal failure.

My mawsi fell into a coma for a few hours last Tuesday and gave us the fright of our lives. Since then, we have been visiting her every morning at hospital and even if we are relieved that the dialysis treatment is finally working on her, the pain she seems to be going through is almost unbearable to watch. To make things worse, in the midst of all this apocalypse, a fight also broke at home opposing my two sisters to my mum. I suddenly found myself rushing from work to pacify a situation which left me with a pretty ugly scar - I had to put a band aid on my heart and contain my frustration for a day or two. To top it all, I had a rather infuriating argument with Antish yesterday. It happens very rarely that we argue but when we do, it leaves me with a deep sense of uneasiness and discomfort because he is the sweetest and most (over) sensitive person I know and I am aware that my brashness can easily annoy him.

Well, what can I say? We have entered the Pitru Paksha period and my guess is that there is a resurgence of negativity in the air that we need to bear with - I forgot to mention that calamity struck again at the office. We have until the 28th of September for this inauspicious period to reach its end. I am doing my best to rise above all this but please September, please , please, please, no more bad omens, that’s just as much that I can deal with for the time being.






Saturday 7 September 2019

Grief...

Monday 02nd September

4.30am: the phone rings and you hear the sobbing voice of your friend informing you that one of your besties is no more. It is the kind of information that your brain, your heart, your whole body cannot process rightaway so you just lie there in bed, face this abrupt void and let the tears to flow.

On Thursday, my life made perfect sense, by Monday I had no clue what it was all about anymore.

Valsha had both sides to her, she was lovely and raw, daring and traditional, the larger-than-life kind of person who walks into a room and immediately fills it up with charismatic presence. She would irritate you while making you laugh at the same time, she would voice out her opinion about just anything and when crossed she would start throwing tantrums at everyone as she would never settle for petty things.

We may not have seen eye to eye on all the time but the respect that Valsha and I showed towards each other grew stronger over the years and transformed into a real bond. I saw in her someone fierce who stood by her values and would openly reject any bullshit. She became disheartened by people she was close to and who disappointed her, so I can understand that she chose to move away from them. What else could one expect from someone whose benchmark was not to be trifled with?

I grieve the sad demise of a dear friend today and I shall carry the sound of her voice in my head and the memory of her passionate being in my heart. I will remember her as a daughter who loved her Maligaye unconditionally to the extent of building her a house and provide her with the 'respectability' she thought she had been deprived of during those years she was growing up. I will always remember her as that woman who valued friendship above everything.

I am not mad at life for having taken you away, Val. I simply choose to believe that you came to do your duty on this earth and even if you have left us behind grieving for some time, I will forever be grateful to life to have shared the experience of your friendship during precious and valuable years.




What a package you were my Valsha...
                                                              

Monday 19 August 2019

Working my way around words

I have been offered a notebook by Antish who knows my fondness for words. Not that I am very good at writing but I am aware that words have filled all the aspects of my life since a very tender age. They have unlocked the door to my wild imagination and forced me to pull myself together when I was about to fall apart. As I slowly walk towards the end of the road, I carry a pocketful of verbs, nouns, adjectives, even syllables with me, something like a purse filled with potent magic which hopefully will warm my later years.

Try 
     Principles    
                   Friends
                              Laughter
                                          Parenthood
                                                           Christmas 
                                                                          Drives
                Self-Respect                                                Sajaao                        
                                                                            Learn
                                                                Carefree
                                                        Nature
                                             Warmth
                                 Reckless
                    Situation
           Books
    Love
                                                                                                    

Thursday 8 August 2019

Actions and one reaction

What an intense week it has been since last Wednesday!

Antish has had a very honest conversation with me regarding the way I act and behave with people to whom I am attached. It just never really dawned on me that I tend to be overly affectionate with some people and my gestures of tenderness may sometimes be mistaken for a flirt. There is a great amount of truth in it all now that I have been tendered a lens to analyse my behavior. I usually act like someone who constantly needs to charm and seduce people, not because I desire or am attracted to them but simply because I want their attention drawn towards me. I think that as a general rule, most human beings have the tendency to do the same but in my case, being the sentimental jerk that I am, I mix up everything and tend to act as a boyfriend with my friends and as a mate with my lover :(

I am so ever thankful to Antish to have resolved handling this conversation with me with great tact and sensitivity. He has proven again that he could give this life-forging relationship of ours a safe and sound direction and bring it to another level.Consequently, he places his primary emphasis on working to improve our future.

Have you ever met someone who made you face your own delusions in the smoothest possible manner, someone whose sentences are so very carefully crafted that it avoids creating any anxiety in you when pinpointing your flaws, someone who tells you about the mistakes that you have made while feeling a great deal of compassion for you at the same time ? Well I, for sure, am one lucky bastard to share the life of such an extraordinary human being.

My Crazy, Sexy, Cool, Kind, Smart, Intelligent, Caring , Fun, Compassionate,
Significant Other


Wednesday 31 July 2019

Have I ever missed the starting gun in my life?


My drive to the office in the morning is the moment usually dedicated to mantras and reflection. It feels like the only part of the day where I treat myself to auspicious vibes and don’t have to worry about any in-between chores. This morning, however, witnessed a different me who swapped to nostalgia mode thinking about this past decade which has gone by in my life. A background music played in my head: 'Glasgow love theme' by Craig Armstrong. It got me thinking about the highlights of each and every year that has gone by since 2009.

2009: Passing away of Dad
2010: Trip to India with Mike
2011: Employee of the year award with a bittersweet taste
2012: Earthquake at Solis + trip to KL/Singapore with Shaf
2013: Trip to Cape Town with Patrice
2014: The sad year / All the stages leading to the end of a story
2015: Earthquake at BAI + break up + quitting my job
2016: Vimla + Rogers / Blue Sky
2017: New York + New Job + New Beginning
2018: Kids departing + Nepal +  a new bond
2019: Rodrigues + JIOI + Antish

Vimla and I always talk about the precious human rebirth, how short spanned a human life is and how important it is to feed it with values and principles and enhance its quality by indulging into different practices.

I have always considered my life to be an ordinary one but with a lot of extras, like the toppings that you sprinkle over an ice-cream.




Saturday 20 July 2019

The 2019 Games

In my heart and in my mind the Indian Ocean Island Games will always be associated to the image of my cousin Sheila winning the gold medal of the 800 metres in athletics. That was in 1985 and I was a preteen. The tremendous excitement that rocked the whole island during those games is yet unmatched and the icing on the cake came with our national football team winning the final against La Reunion in the most epic match ever. I even recall crying that afternoon, feeling an indescribable pride being Mauritian, being an islander, being the witness of that iconic moment in the history of our country.

18 years later, the 2003 games did fill us with great joy once more when, again, we bonded as a nation with the atmosphere in the various sports complexes around the island reaching astonishing feverish peaks. As close as it came though, it was not a remake of 1985. Yes, we won more medals, performances were enhanced, the technology had evolved, our football crew shone again and we, Mauritians, were more well-off than in the mid-eighties and had easier financial means to celebrate and rejoice. Still, the magic spirit of 1985 was lacking, you know... les cinq sous qui manquent pour faire la roupie.

2019 and the games are now back to Mauritius. How will our athletes fare this time? This is an open question. A friend of mine told me that he considered these games to be a total wastage of money. I respect his point of view and consider that the affairs of corruption attached to the organisation has marred our opinion yet again about our politicians and 'leaders'. That said, should our athletes be the ones to pay the price of their felonies? Shouldn't we, on the contrary, be in the stadiums and gymnasiums to encourage them? I am an ardent supporter of Club M and this time I am bringing Antish with me for the experience of a lifetime filled with hope that I will be able to ignite in him the same passion that burns inside of me when it comes to pushing our athletes to go beyond their limits. It is such a big thrill to see them perform and giving it all for their country. After all, a successful team beats with one heart, don't you think so?

Sheila and Mamou Dan 1985

4x400 mts team 1985

Football Final 2003 - Ene sel lepep, ene sel nation
Opening Ceremony 2019


Saturday 13 July 2019

Traveling through life

Almost mid-July and nothing posted yet. How come?

The days are going by at an accelerated pace, so much so that I can hardly breathe. The feeling of being in love implies that every second that you spend in your life suddenly becomes overly precious, each laughter inestimable, each conversation priceless, each kiss exquisite. It also means that these moments of incalculable worth may stop all of a sudden now that you have acknowledged that your life has swapped into another dimension.

I understand Antish when I see tears filling his eyes when we talk. I have been there too when I was younger, so I will not try to reason him and ask him not to feel the way he is feeling. On the contrary, he has 'only one heart in one body in one life', an organ which is meant to be stretched and squeezed and burst, a piece of himself meant to express itself as an own entity.

Days may go by, not their vibrancy. We are surrounded by an aura which leads us both towards white nights where we go to lose ourselves. Nothing matters there, neither the unfolding of landscapes, nor the sounds of ambient music. I like that we travel through our existence, dancing to life's own tunes and feeling the invisible presence of the only thing that stands out; irrepressible love.

Last night life had the taste of that warm cinnamon&apple pie that we ate, it shone as brightly as the far away lights that we saw from Les Mariannes, it sounded like the Nazia Hassan song that we sung in my car from Trou aux Cerfs to Vacoas, last night life took the shape of his curves and exuded the flavor of his skin after we made out. Last night another miracle shook our world.








Thursday 27 June 2019

Le coeur de l'homme

Mon cher petit lecteur assidu,

Je sais que tu attends tous les jours de me lire et je fais donc d'avantage attention à choisir mes mots, à les palper, les soupeser et les sentir, à humer leurs doux parfums avant de les poser ici à ton attention. J'espère donc qu'ils sauront trouver une résonance dans ton être et que tu sauras apprécier leur saveur car vois-tu ce ne sont pas là de simples tournures de phrases ou de formules toutes faites. Non, ce sont au contraire des mots qui ont pris toute une vie à mûrir dans mon cœur en espérant que passe celui qui les mériteraient. Et te voilà donc, passant tant attendu ! Mes mots ont finalement pris vie depuis que tu es apparu.

Du haut de mon âge mûr, je te médite et tu m’apprends que la vie est une ligne droite, un chemin sans détour, un ciel où je me laisse planer, mes rêves s’inclinant peu à peu dans la fraicheur de la nuit. Je te dédie cette page de mon existence, celle où sont inscrites mes plus belles phrases et la plus extravagante panoplie d’émotions jamais ressentie. Je te la dédie afin que tu l’inscrives dans la postérité.

Je ne me suis jamais senti aussi homme et humain que depuis que je te connais car je deviens humble en ta présence. Je saurai un jour crier au monde que le vent de la plénitude m’est venu par bouffées et que je l’ai respiré à pleins poumons en pleurant de joie. On viendra me chercher et on me trouvera les yeux pleins de ce soleil qui brule et qui encense.

Les mots virevoltent en moi, ils ne sont qu’ivresse et liberté, des mots réinventés pour te parler à toi uniquement.


Wednesday 26 June 2019

Le laboratoire


Je passe une journée relativement difficile à mon boulot aujourd’hui. J’écris au présent car la journée est loin d’être terminée et si je ne fais pas une pause, je risque d’être franchement démoralisé.

Une collègue a été renvoyée sans ménagement. Je l’ai emmenée avec moi au bureau ce matin pour qu’au bout de deux heures à peine elle se fasse lapider par la patronne. Elle a quitté le bureau en larmes et je l’ai accompagnée jusqu’au bout de la rue afin qu’elle ne craque pas totalement. Pour lui remonter le moral j'ai essaye d'etre philosophe en lui disant qu’il y a une raison pour tout ce qui nous arrive dans la vie et que cette expérience va lui ouvrir les yeux sur la cruelle réalité de certains environnements professionnels. Au fond de moi, j’avais mal pour elle car c’est relativement humiliant d’être traité de la sorte. D’ailleurs je me demande souvent ce qui se passe dans la tête de certains patrons de traiter des êtres humains avec si peu de considération. Ne pas vouloir les avoir au sein d’une entreprise est une chose, les dévaluer en tant que personnes en est une autre.

En revenant vers mon bureau, je me suis dit que ma présence au sein de cette compagnie dépasse le cadre professionnel car il m’arrive tout le temps de panser les blessures des autres. Peut-être est-ce cela la raison pour laquelle je ne suis pas encore parti? Il faut se rendre à l’évidence que je n’ai aucune raison rationnelle de rester dans ce bourbier. La patronne est volcanique, ne supporte pas d’être contrariée, hurle à tout bout de champ et juge selon ses propres dires qu’elle est ‘incritiquable’ et ‘parfaite’. Elle ne rate aucune occasion pour abaisser son mari en public et fait preuve d’une telle instabilité émotionnelle que c’en est presque pathétique. Devant le triste spectacle auquel elle s’adonne quasi-quotidiennement, je ressens énormément de compassion. Je me dis qu’elle a dû souffrir énormément dans sa vie et que cela ne doit pas être facile tous les jours de vivre dans une insécurité aussi palpable.

Il est vrai que le travail lui meme me plait beaucoup. En sus de jouir d’une certaine indépendance, je maitrise ce que je fais et je ne tombe jamais dans une routine lassante. Je passe des heures à observer les gens autour de moi, à analyser leurs comportements et à essayer de comprendre comment fonctionne ce petit monde qui est a bien des années lumières du mien. Je n’ai pas encore tout saisi mais l’essentiel est la. Le bouddhisme contribue énormément à m'aider à maintenir ma tête hors de l’eau dans un milieu ou mensonges, coups bas, mesquineries, vulgarité font partie de mon lot quotidien. Des regards curieux sont braqués sur moi en permanence car à ne pas parvenir à se faire une idée précise de qui je suis, cela fini souvent par déstabiliser mes collègues. Personne n’a jamais vraiment été là pour les consoler, les conseiller, les guider ou même leur faire un peu la leçon. Eux trouvent cela étrange que quelqu'un ait decidé d'endosser ce role. Il m'est très difficile de ne pas tomber dans une certaine condescendance, moi qui suis issu d’un environnement structuré et bienveillant. Je trouve cela egalement bizarre que j’aie à me battre contre moi-même afin de rester humble. Je pense que c'est le point de depart de tout si je fais le choix d'aller plus loin dans la compréhension de la nature humaine.

On dit souvent que le lieu de travail est un laboratoire qui regorge de formules de toutes sortes, un endroit qui vous force à revoir votre vie a chaque moment qui passe car vous y passez les plus longues heures de votre journee. 

Je n'ai vraiment pas le moral aujourd'hui...pfffffff



Friday 21 June 2019

The tattoo inside my heart

Having my initial inked on someone's skin is an act which moves me profoundly. I never expected this to happen so when Antish explained to me the symbol behind his first tattoo, I could hardly contain my tears. As he stood in front of me on the small beach nestled between The Hilton and Sugar Beach Resort, I could notice the lights blaze in the dusking sky and, a few meters away, a child play in the chill of the day. His words were soft and tender as always. He stuttered a little at first, trying to capture the feel of the moment and translate it into words. Then, as he started talking to me his eyes looking right into mine, the flow became fluid and the intonation more confident.

This self assured way he has to tell me that no matter what happens he will always be here to look after me is comforting. More than that, I know it to be true. Because it's Antish and Antish is like no other. There are steps that life will teach him to climb but there are also inspired ones inherent to him that bring him to heights which are unattainable for the poor mortal that I am, qualities that make him the fascinating being that he is.

Have you ever noticed how true feelings make everything simple, how they turn our existence into a peaceful reality?







Wednesday 12 June 2019

Là où il fait bon vivre


Je vois en lui ce que nul autre ne prend le temps de voir; de la tendresse dans son sourire, de la sagesse dans sa voix, de l’enfance dans ses yeux, de l'innocence dans son âme, du divin dans son toucher et une grande affirmation dans son cœur. Tout en lui est authentique. 

Il est mon tribunal et ma sentence, ma libération et ma renaissance, un verdict écrit dès ma naissance.

Il est le courant qui m’entraine vers le récif de la réalité et à ses côtés je saurai trouver le seul endroit où se dessine l’ultime vérité.  


Monday 3 June 2019

Happiness is something so much bigger than us

I had a 'no trespass' sign placed at the gate of my heart for quite some years until love came unannounced and barged right in laughing and whispering ' I enter everywhere'. And look at me now. Here I am, happily disoriented and trying to figure out what hit me.

Every time I come back home after meeting Antish, a voice deep inside screams at me: 'That's the one, Ash. It's HIM! He is The one!' It has become impossible to deny that Antish is the person that I want to make myself happier with. I say happier because I am already very happy with the life that I have. I just hope that he will make himself happier with me too - or anyone else after me one day.

It's been two years since we first met and the stage seems set for us to absorb the light and contemplate the world with our eyes. 

I have been lucky enough to be surrounded by loving people all my life. 
                                                  
                                                                         Today I am blessed to have found my best friend.
                                                                                                   












Wednesday 22 May 2019

You



             Your presence is the only constant I need


You are inside me,

                     within me,

                                drowned in me


                                                                    You,
                                                              My light &
                                                              My shadow
                                                           


                                                                                                              You are my meditation
                                                                                                                                my peace of mind


The taste of your skin haunts my tongue 
The taste of your flesh stirs my senses
The taste of your soul twirls my spirit

You are the only thing that makes sense 

You have cured
               healed
                fixed
                                                        me
             forever

I value your values

I have no ache
I have no cravings

I have
You



Sunday 12 May 2019

Rodrigues - In love x 4

Sometimes when you are in a place of extreme beauty and good vibes, a place that you feel naturally connected with, it opens you up to your inner truth. When you get to share that moment with a person who is attuned to that same sensitivity, it just helps you step away from your own thoughts and live the experience to the fullest.

When I first went to Rodrigues in 1993, I fell in love with the place and my affection for it doubled in 2008 and tripled in 2013. To my surprise, and although I would not have thought it possible, truth is, I  have to admit that this latest trip has been even more special than any of the previous ones.  It probably meant the most to me because not only did Antish keep his word and fly me there on a romantic spree but each second spent with him was as close as possible to perfection. He was the perfect gentleman, caring and sweet, paying attention to the smallest details with regards to my comfort and well-being. We spent countless hours talking and laughing and underwent extraordinary culinary experiences. We were blown away by the beauty of the scenery and I even introduced him to his first ever zipline activity which left him speechless. Needless to say, we were continuously amazed but never really surprised by the sweetness of the locals who were extremely hospitable and gentle. After all, Rodrigues sa...

One late afternoon we walked up the path from Trou d'Argent to be welcomed by the rising moon and the flawless milky way at St Francois. We listened to the sound of the waves and to the heartbeat of those million stars in the sky and as we sipped our beer standing on the edge of the cliff, we couldn’t help but feel wrapped up into a blanket of deep serenity. Antish then shared a moving story about his family with me and I could hear the crack in his voice as he evoked his childhood days. I softly rubbed his back because I felt it was the right thing to do. I am always deeply moved when he opens up to me and allows me to dive into his world with a gripping lens. I know there are many things that he chooses to hold back so each time I get the opportunity to step through those doors that he consents to open, I feel privileged. I love venturing into this world of his which is filled with 'musicality'. Back to our room I decided to show him a page from my father's diary - something that I always carry with me when I travel. We read it together, my arm around his shoulder and quietly fell asleep secretly acknowledging that something unusually intense had just hit us both that evening

On the last day of our holiday, when we left Rodrigues, we knew thereon that our hearts would be forever tied to that tiny piece of land where love had been stripped down to its simplest and purest form.




Tuesday 23 April 2019

A wedding in the family

After a series of funerals, it was high time for our family to gather around a festive event. This sign of relief came in the form of my cousin Ashvin's wedding which took place this past week end and called for an enhanced bonding between relatives. Indian shadis tend to be ostentatious in nature as they come with a hidden need to outdo any previous one held before, something which is quite unnecessary as it overshadows the very essence of the celebration itself, the union of two souls.
I am happy that it was not the case this time. The religious ceremonies leading to the tying of the knot were held in the presence of close family members and the party following the wedding absolutely nailed it all with the guests looking genuinely happy for the couple.
Mawsa Anand singing a Manna Dey song to welcome her daughter-in-law into the family and the emotional speech of the bride's uncle moved us to the core and restored faith in us that somehow there are stories which are meant to last...
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Tuesday 9 April 2019

Anchorage

You know you have found your place in this world when:

- Your friend texts you and asks you to be cautious on the road because of the heavy rainfall
- Your neighbors trust you enough to leave you their house key during their prolonged absence
- Your boss brings you a nice bottle of wine from his trip in SA and congratulates you for your work
- Your love interest offers to invite you for a romantic trip abroad
- Your friend offers you free yoga lessons twice a week
- Your friend entertains you with a nice conversation on WhatsApp when you can't find sleep past      midnight
- You regularly get invited to dinners with old friends who are even willing to reschedule to make
   sure they have you at the table
- Your friend doesn’t hesitate to confide his deepest fears to you when he is unwell
- You wake up with the same energy every morning to do your water bowls and sing your mantras
- You still think fondly but not sadly about the departed ones and what they brought into your life
- You feel happy yet embarrassed to receive presents and gifts all the time from your friends,     
   relatives, family members
- You drive back from work everyday to a warm, comfy and loving home
- A stranger following your blog tells you that he feels connected to you

My gratitude goes to the following persons for teaching me everyday about:

Friendship - Shaf
Generosity - Vimla
Not jumping to conclusions - Mike
Kindness - Simla
Integrity - Zulfi
Loyalty - Patrice
Setting high standards - William
Laughter - Momone
Wisdom - Tatiana
Opening up - Umar
Trust - Antish
Love - my family

Thursday 4 April 2019

A bend in the road


Everything has been beautifully dilapidated in my life, and adorably so, in the manner of a wise wrinkled heart. I love this feeling of breathing in the smell of old souvenirs, those same ones which used to hurt but now comfort me. 

At a bend in the road, a bunch of trees will emerge and behind them, the moonlight. My soul will decide to stop and wait for yours right there in the middle of this beautiful nowhere, knowing it will come along...eventually. It is a quiet road, as peaceful and protective as a shelter, one which leads to serenity and evokes respect as I tread upon its path. 

Just like in the deepest days of my childhood, marvelous shadows will dance under the moonlight. The night may keep in reserve its most intimate secrets but I have mine too. If my younger years have witnessed me wandering hopelessly at times, now that I am slowly aging, a carpet of green foam suddenly emerges out of nowhere to welcome my bold steps. Isn't it amazing how a bleaching life can speak such a wondrous language?

Tuesday 19 March 2019

Ce p'tit grain de folie



Il nous arrive d’avoir droit à cette petite étincelle de folie dans la vie, tout juste ce qu'il faut pour ne pas basculer dans la torpeur et la morosité. S’accrocher à son grain de folie vaut toujours mieux que de s’agripper a un rêve qui risque de basculer dans l’illusion sans crier gare. Notre vie en est enrichie, nous qui sommes si souvent les témoins de scènes obscènes, les spectateurs las de vieilles comédies insipides, ce public confronté aux ballets incessants de la médiocrité et de la  démence .

Cette douce folie  revêt  toute son importance dans ce monde où la violence des actes accompagne celle des mots. Les manifestants cèdent désormais leurs places aux émeutiers sur les Champs Elysées, un homme abat plusieurs personnes dans une mosquée en Nouvelle Zélande, le racisme explose dans tous les recoins des Etats Unis et l’Amérique latine est gangrénée par des guerres de gangs et par la corruption. Voilà le monde tel qu’il nous est jeté à la figure quotidiennement, ce monde qui se meurt lentement.

On évolue et on s’adapte dans ce chaos, pris au piège dans notre propre malaise, nos mots ne transportant plus grand-chose comme message. Mais être homme n’est-il pas  être responsable ?
C’est ce que prônait Saint Exupéry, cet homme immense qui racontait justement le monde avec une féroce élégance et une criante vérité. Etre responsable, c'est aussi être responsable envers ses apartés, c'est assumer toutes ces phrases interdites que l'on se murmure à soi-même.

Mon histoire est celle de beaucoup d'autres. Faire de mon de grain de folie une épice qui fouette le sang et secoue les sens, cette parcelle incandescente qui réveille mon esprit endormi et me procure un nouveau visage, ce sentier qui guide mes pas vers un inconnu rassurant et m'autorise le temps d'un rire fougueux à devenir cette autre personne que j'espérais secrètement rencontrer un jour, ainsi ai-je décidé de mon cheminement dans cette courte vie. 




Thursday 7 March 2019

Chachi Farida

Elle s’en est allée un vendredi d’été, jour de prières pour les musulmans, 1er jour du mois de Mars.
Elle s’en est allée tranquillement comme un léger frémissement, avec une dernière pensée pour les autres. Je garde d’elle cette image d’une personne douce et intelligente de qui émanait un calme aussi placide que le grand large.

Iqbal m’a confié que sa mère vit en Waheeda et lui. Il ne me l’aurait pas dit que je l’aurais compris telle une évidence.

Je regarde tous les jours cette maison juste à côté de la mienne, séparée par un mur. De ce mince décor me reviennent en tete bien des images. Il me semble que petit à petit je finirai par faire non seulement le deuil des personnes de mon entourage mais aussi celui de mes souvenirs.

Si pendant longtemps je me suis senti riche de mes relations, je me sens aujourd’hui défaillir sentimentalement. Les amis, les parents, les voisins, les connaissances nous enlèvent peu à peu leur présence rassurante et à leurs disparitions se mêlent chagrin et solitude.

Tuesday 5 March 2019

The Vanity Fair

The polemic surrounding the kanwars has hit a notch higher this year. In all honesty, it would have taken a blind person not to see this coming. So, to Grand Bassin I went and desperately tried to connect to the spirituality of the place but it was to no avail as the noise around really bothered me, it was such a hindrance to those who wanted some peace and tranquility to perform a simple prayer. Things are 'evolving' they say but shouldn't it be in a positive direction?

At times the whole celebration took allures of a mega show, a gigantic vanity fair where people choose to forget about the very essence of the festival and decide to trade their devotion for a display of ego instead. The kanwars have become yet bigger and uglier this year, a real pain for those trying to reach their workplace on time.  There is no thoughtfulness, no consideration for the well being of others, something which, in my humble opinion, should be the starting point of kindness.

Also, I always naively thought that the representation of the divine should be in the shape of beauty and refinement. Gods looking like monsters and unidentified divinities...seriously, guys? It is as if the divinities had become objects of ridicule and mockery. I am trying to guess the intent behind. Was it sheer lack of creativity, bad taste or a failed attempt to artistic expression? no idea...

When I was a kid, I watched a movie called Jai Santoshi Maa which aired on TV (every thursday,  the 'speakerine' with the musical voice sitting next to a flower arrangement would introduce the hindi movie of the evening as 'votre long metrage en hindoustani'). I later learned through my erudite brother that Santoshi Mata was a not 'real' goddess, she just rose through fame in the 70s via word of mouth and eventually made it to the hindu pantheon without even appearing in any hindu scriptures. She is venered in hindu temples in north india although she has no real powers. I think she is the goddess of affection or something of that sort. Back to my walk in the middle of kanwars, I was almost expecting to stumble upon a representation of Santoshi Maa. That definitely would have been the highlight of the festival for me. After all, I did see a crocodile and a helicopter (in case one urgently needs to be transported to the heavens I suppose).

Maha Shivratree 2019 is over and it left a bitter sweet taste in me. The tradition is being perpetuated but the many digressions that are being allowed to take over the essence of such a beautiful festival are misleading. The great night of Shiva, the night of supreme consciousness, the night when the jiva (man) can become Shiva (pure consciousness) is sadly turning into a masquerade.





Thursday 21 February 2019

Ma vitrine toute propre

Comme souvent, je me retrouve devant une page blanche, ne sachant pas trop quoi ecrire. Et ce malgre une envie bel et bien presente de donner un sens a ma vie. Ne dit-on pas que le blocage est un signe, que cela veut tout simplement dire que ce que vous allez ecrire est mauvais et qu'il vaut mieux vous arreter et passer a autre chose. Je n'ai aucun sujet a traiter, mes mots ne trouvent aucune resonance nul part et tout ce que je ponds n'a, j'en suis conscient, aucun fil conducteur. Ce ne sont que des bribes d'une vie avec comme seule constante mes etats d'ames. L'irresolue equation d'avoir une vie mis au rancart du souvenir.

Je me cache derriere tout ce que le monde a a dire avec mon blog et ma page Instagram meme si je m'autorise parfois certains ecarts; une opinion, un jugement,  une conclusion.

Il se trouve que, dans cette joyeuse cacophonie, je suis tombe sur quelqu'un qui me lit. Un certain Dave qui m'a partage le commentaire suivant apres avoir vu ma page Instagram:

- I already had access to your world of heartbeats. Now it's your world of vision and moments.

'your world of heartbeats' ...Saura-t-il un jour comprendre que tout ce qu'il perçoit n'est qu'une infime partie de ce que je veux bien laisser transparaitre. Tout le reste, demeurera a jamais hors de portee. Ce blog n'est au fond qu'une memoire selective qui trie, inspecte et affiche uniquement ce qui a besoin d'etre expose dans la vitrine.

Qu'en est-il de ma part d'ombre?






Friday 8 February 2019

Under the February Sun

The temperature keeps rocketing and I ask myself how I am surviving it. I think it peaked at 37c on Tuesday. The humidex indicated 55c for those living in the south east, almost a heat stroke.
The air was so warm that, at times, I felt like suffocating.

Thomasz is back to NYC and he messengered me, asking me to come over. He would like us guys - the Filipino, the Polish, the Puertorican and the Mauritian - to reunite for a sequel to our bar hopping night in south Manhattan. I have the fondest souvenir of that unusual evening where I bonded with total strangers. When I think about that trip again, I remember boarding that SA plane fully excited but a bit apprehensive too. Then, everything started unfolding naturally as my path crossed those of nice and genuine people right from day 1 in the big apple. Was it sheer luck or the fact that it was written in the stars?

I introduced Vimla to Vimla last Tuesday. I am thinking it can help.

King called me last evening and he sounded very strange on the phone. I am not sure whether he was drunk or if something got into him but he started telling me weird things about my celibacy status which made me feel a bit uncomfortable, That got me thinking about my actual state of relationship with people around me. For sure, he means well but it’s funny when people decide what’s best for you without even consulting you.

Patrice surprised me about his threesome story yesterday.
- 'Look at us! We're in our 40s and nothing has changed. You, still having sexual experiences, me still being a sentimental jerk who believe in romantic love. All this time gone and back to square one we are’  was my reaction.
Then he told me yet another unbelievable story about how a client of his has offered him a trip to Monaco and the Italian riviera this coming August. Scary, fishy and awesome at the same time. I asked him to be cautious though

I heard this strange story about my dad and this episode of him falling in love with another woman in India. That occured in 1987. It got me smiling as that probably explains my polyamorous nature.

My brother is exploring south China with his family. I sometimes wish I had a family of my own I could travel with.

A cyclone warning number 1 has been issued this morning and all I keep thinking about is how to get a grasp on my growing feelings for Antish.

Sunday 20 January 2019

Les Jours Bénis

Arrive le mois de janvier, puis celui de fevrier, ainsi defile le temps avec sa douce melancolie.
Pendant qu'on marchait autour du cratere samedi soir, Boris a sorti la citation suivante:
'La melancolie, c'est le bonheur d'être triste' . J'ai fait une recherche, elle est de Hugo.

On a passe un long moment ensemble, Boris et moi, a chercher les etoiles dans le ciel, a regarder quelques feux d'artifices, a ecouter de la musique dans la voiture, a parler d'Antish, a bavarder. C'etait un moment simple et doux, un soir de transmission tranquille comme je les affectionnent.
Il ne m'a pas echappe que j'avais tout a coup l'impression de lui transmettre un peu de mon experience et lui de sa fraicheur. Ainsi sont faites les relations sinceres me suis-je dit en rentrant a la maison.

Bientot neuf ans que je tiens ce blog, pas specialement pour qu'on me lise mais pour que je me suffise a moi-meme et que je valide les annees qui passent. Ma place, toute minuscule, au sein de l'univers digital essaie d'estomper ce vide sideral qu'est mon existence lorsque je ne vais pas tres bien.

Aujourd'hui c'est l'anniversaire de Shafeeq et je me suis dit que les amas d'etoiles et de galaxies dans l'univers sont reunies pour que ce jour soit beni.  Je lui ai dédié une longue prière, à lui comme à Kiran. Les énergies n'ont jamais été aussi puissantes et palpables comme ce matin de cavadee.

J'aime ces jours à la fois ordinaires et extraordinaires.

Saturday 5 January 2019

Ashirvad

My family, like so many others, dedicates the second day of the year to the traditional visits to relatives and more specifically to elders. We go and seek for their blessings, tell them that they are not forgotten and remind them about the importance of the guidance they provide us with.

It always warms my heart when my Poupou and Poupa place their hands on my head and whisper 'ashirvad' when I say 'pranam' to them. More than the gesture, it's the way they look at us that moves me, the love and sincerity they put in those very words of blessings. Getting blessed by elders feels like an act of purification to me, it drowns me with the illusion that my sins and flaws are being washed away and urges me to want to become a better person. It feels comforting and adds value to one's little existence. I suddenly tell myself that this is how I would want to behave towards my grandchildren if or when I grow very old one day.

My Poupou and Poupa will be celebrating their 66th wedding anniversary at the end of this month.
They are respectively 86 and 89 years old and Poupou Jyoti still cooks her special pehras when she knows I will be coming. They have always been my favorites of hers and I believe it's her way of bestowing me with her affection.


Douze petites minutes

Quatre rues séparent ma maison de C hez Ram où trois pains maison chauds chauds  m'attendent tous les matins. Cinq minutes à pieds pour ...