Return to Basecamp

The return to base camp has not been as smooth as expected. True, a few positive habits have emerged like morning prayers, water bowls offerings and mindful meditation. I was happy to meet Zyad at least twice, once for dinner and the second time for a movie. We used to be so close and now we are like good old friends of a past life and I must say that it suits us well. This was how it was meant to be right from the beginning. I dined out a few times and participated to Vimla's birthday celebrations at Indra where I had not set foot in a decade. I also watched the synopsis of a film-in-the-making at Shaf's and tried to provide some guidance which, I sense, went unheard. Last but not least, I completed the latest Dan Brown.

On the other hand, a change has taken place within me, something I am not being able to identify properly. I just don't feel like being around people very much and things I used to indulge in enthusiastically before, I now feel less inclined to do. I have observed that Vimla's behavior has been affected as well. Her mum is giving her a hard time, so much so that she has to muster all her courage not to break down. Her mum is in the final stage of her illness but still keeps yelling at everyone, targeting her and her dad mainly.  Vim's patience and determination to do things right despite daily insults and humiliation is worth my admiration. Leaving this life is understandably hard and one cannot expect a good reaction to it. I feel a lot of compassion for her mum.

As for Antish, coping with his new job on a cruise ship seems to be a herculean task. He looks sad and his voice sounds exhausted when we talk. It is a huge change for him, a curve he will only be able to ride by becoming tougher and more mature. This experience, is only a glimpse of what awaits him in real life later on and the sooner he gets equipped, the better endurance he will develop. It's all about turning threats into opportunities, turning down resilience and clinging to small victories. I am more than confident that he will go through this phase very naturally. The experience of hardship definitely shapes one's psyche and Antish is stronger than he thinks, he just isn't aware of it yet.

I have met Kiran only once since I came back, his physical state not permitting any other encounter. It was half an hour spent in his company which left me somewhat disoriented and a bit uncomfortable. I was unsure as to how to approach him and thus made the choice of being reactive throughout the conversation. Was it the best option? maybe not. As he was talking I couldn't help but notice that his mind was wandering elsewhere.Celebrating our meeting after 5 years was clearly not in the agenda. I am concerned about his physical condition as well as his mental state. To make matters worse, I can already anticipate my frustration if he gets to leave without us meeting again. It would seem as if we have come all this way and not been able to talk openly, let alone bidding a proper farewell to each other. Life is rough and strange sometimes. Can 25 years of 'bro' friendship be flushed down the pipe like this?  Whom to throw the blame on? tragic circumstances?... again?
I, more than anyone else, should know better than this by now. Still... why do I have this unspoken feeling that I am about to lose yet another friend to fate? Have I really been down this road that many times?
A quote from Haruki Murakami keeps coming to my mind over & over again: "Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart".