Life's innuendos

Today somebody stood me up. How is that about free falling?  

Was that a sign? One of life's little innuendos?

Actually, that was a good experience. It made me reflect on loneliness and purged me of this fear of rejection, I was almost happy that the person did not come as it allowed me to spend quality time with myself. 

I am just an emulsion of so many elements like any other person on this planet. "Learn to read the signs" they say but maybe there are no signs after all. Maybe there is just life as it is, bare and raw and me trying to deal with it with all my commotions. I have taken a vow to break that usual operating mode of mine and the best way to satisfy my various desires is simply to drop them all and live in the now.

Ames sensibles, s'en donner à coeur joie

Vivre ses émotions au ralenti

Faire de sa sensibilité un garde-fou 

Et de son coeur, une chapelle

Scruter du coin de l'oeil 

Cette tendresse méconnue

A l'effluve charbonné

Le cri de volupté

Est la plus douce des musiques

Elle masse la pensée, elle stimule l'orgasme

Looking the world straight in the face

Looking the world straight in the face
Winking at it for giving us Soft Cell's Tainted Love

What makes my heart smile on this sunny Saturday morning?
Listening to Vapors Turning Japanese. Finding it hard to get that guitar riff out of my head

How I intend to spend the day?
Drawing circles in the sky.

Equinox

Today is equinox - dark and light will be in balance.

Brings me to the delicate case of Kalim.14 years of never really being able to pull the plug has exhausted me. Yes, it is draining to be attached that much to someone and not be on the same wavelength with that person.Our views differ and the irrational part of me always gave in when it came down to him. At one point, he needed help to find his equilibrium and I became part of a long healing process.I helped as much as I could, it turned out that it worked out positively and that set him right back on track.He found his equinox.

Kalim can shout as much as he wants today, he can come up with all sorts of theories, the truth remains that despite all his efforts, there is nothing he can do about this back and forth relationship of ours. It is indeed sad to reach that stage (again!) where loving feelings weigh only in one part of the balance. I have probably undergone the most vulnerable moment of my life this year after my break up and I am so ever grateful to him for having been there for me. There is nothing he can blame himself for. He provided me with a shoulder to lean on and the fact that we have always been more than friends confused me. Aaagggghhhh, classic story! guy missing his bf so much that he swaps his affection to an 'ex'. I guess I just wanted to matter.

So, where we do we go from there? How do I become my own doctor and cure myself from this state of being once and for all? How do I remove the blindfold and reach my equinox?

My Role Models

When I was a very young my role model was Simla. Then, in my teenage years I met Vicky, a guy who seemed to have it all, kindness, generosity, poise and smart-ass attitude, things that inspired me so much that I emulated him. Undoubtedly both Simla and Vicky had a huge impact on me. Along the years, although we only sporadically kept in touch, I always had them in mind when faced with an unexpected situation, asking myself how they have would reacted had they been in my shoes and I must say that this got helped me get out of quite a few traps.

Today I decided to pay a visit to Vicky. The last time we had a conversation was in 2009 when he came for dad's funeral. I heard that Vicky's sister, Devika passed away two months ago and I came to know about this sad news only very recently. It was only normal that I paid him a visit. Well, I left his place with exactly that same feeling I had when I was a teenager; an indescribable impression of happiness. My face was glowing with a smile and I was amazed by how he still succeeded in instilling this positive vibe in me simply by being his natural self. I remember trying to copy his qualities and mimic them as much as I could. I never told Vicky how much he had a massive influence on my emotional quotient and never thanked him for igniting that passion for life in me. I guess some things are better left unspoken in order not to spoil the magic.

If today I don't feel blank when it comes to asking myself what my life is really about or what I would like to be acknowledged for before I die, I have to be grateful to Simla and Vicky. They truly did a great job in helping me answer these questions.

                                       Avant que mes sentiments s'ensauvagent

                            Avant que mes humeurs tombent aux mains des marrons

                      Avant que cette liqueur qui noie mes yeux ne devienne arack

                     Avant que les rutilances du matin ne rattrapent ma conscience

                         C'est décidé! Ce soir j'encante mon âme au plus offrant

I smell karma in the air

Meeting with Naushad has avoided me a session with the shrink, isn't that cool? Listening to him was like hearing myself talk and provided me with a better insight on my state of being and mindset. True that I was about to write an angry letter to karma to inform him that I had a list of persons that he had missed and that it would be unfair not to do me justice but after my conversation with Naushad, I retracted and came back to more reasonable feelings. There is no rush anyway, my friend karma knows the time to strike is nearing.

I spent part of morning dancing on salsa music. I have switched to soulful ballads this evening.
I have always believed that certain hours of the day need to be associated with specific types of music.My musical agenda is usually set as follows:

Saturday morning = 80s dance music / evening = classic rock
Sunday morning= Salsa / evening = slow jam
Monday morning = Sega / evening = café de paris
Tuesday morning = Bossa Nova / evening = bollywood
Wednesday morning =  90s hits / evening = classical music
Thursday morning = Hard rock / evening = old school funk and soul
Friday morning = 60s rock hits / evening = smooth mellow jazz

Of all the years I ever knew, the finest ones I've known with you

Choosing which tear to drop

J'ai sous la peau un peu d'amour asséché
Il doit m'en rester tout juste
Jusqu'à la prochaine rencontre

A l'oeil une toute dernière larme
Que je conserve précieusement
Pour le jour dernier

Jusqu'au cas où

Il me restera un regret
Ou
La satisfaction d'avoir été heureux

3.34 am

End of a 16 year chapter

Today I took out from a drawer a diary which I had started in 1999. I realised that there were only 02 pages left for me to finish it off so I started going through the older pages and I came across names like Lovena, Marguerite, Leckraz, Rakesh, Ryan and those of some other persons I hardly remember along the years.

Lovena and I had a fling 18 years ago, then she got married to that flight attendant and completely disappeared from the scene, only to call me 5-6 years later when things started getting rocky in her marriage. As for Marguerite, she passed away in 2007, which marked the end of an era; that of childhood memories.

I also wrote about my brother receiving the Jean Fanchette award and how proud we were. At that time I had not met Shafeeq yet and Hash and I were still close friends.

A few words from this 16 year old diary which have retained my attention:

Monday 04.01.99 to Sunday 06.09.2015

• La dimension de l'émotion
• I used to be in love with the image I projected of myself
• Let's think practical!
• Il fait soleil dans mon être aujourd'hui
• I want to explode like a supernova
• I am lovecentric
• Luck/Faith/Travel/Enthusiasm, yeah, yeah, yeah...
• I am too blessed to be stressed
• My life? A blank sheet which I need to fill everyday
• Am I right?Am I wrong? Or is the lens I am looking through simply blurred?
• Parents want their children to be happy- what if they already are?
• The souvenir of Syed makes me happy, seeing Shaf living his life at his pace makes me happy
• Le cynisme serait-il l'enfant pauvre de la dépression?
• 25th June 2009: this year dad passed away, I am facing a severe drawback at work, mum had to undergo painful surgery, there has been the end of a beautiful friendship, my sentimental relationship is in the middle of an earthquake. How am I surviving all this? I have no fucking idea
• La seule constante, la seule vérité: tout n'est qu'impermanence
• Voilà! Je me suis déprogrammé. plus aucun risque de 'crash' dans mon coeur désormais
• How spiritually evolved am I?
• Je ne m'en fais pas pour autant, sachant que je suis aussi le miroir de l'autre
• J'écris afin de ne pas oublier qui je suis
• Le seul moyen d'avancer dans la vie est de lâcher prise
• Libéré de cette surcharge d'émotions
• L'humanité se brise un peu plus chaque jour. Je vois les enfants se faire massacrer en Palestine et cette image provoque en moi un haut-le-coeur. Le monde est fou. Qui condamne qui?
• Les hommes s'occupent tellement de religion qu'il leur arrive d'en oublier Dieu
• To pay all the loans and mortgages of the family...
• Comprendre la vérité des gens et en sortir du bonheur, chaque moment est un acte de délectation.
• Prévert me manque.
• I need substance / Aie confiance.Sois patient.
• Dawn of my life or dusk?
• C'est horrible de réaliser qu'on me trouve 'sympathique'. Il n'y a pas plus fadasse comme mot. Quelle condescendence! 
• Choice - Chance - Change: the winning trio
• Mes souvenirs intellectuels, ma charité immorale, et cette jouissance que j'éprouve à faire la leçon aux autres = intelligence émotionnelle? What the fuck??? I got it all wrong, again!
• Qu'en penserait Malcom s'il était encore là? La mémoire a cinq portes d'entrée: les cinq sens; et une unique porte de sortie: l'imagination